Shining Stetler Stories
by Shining Zephyr
Summary: 100 one shots about Internal Affairs agent, Rick Stetler. *44. Car: Ray Jr. and Kyle have a little TOO much fun with Rick's car and some spray paint.*
1. Cow

**100 little drabbles about Rick Stetler. I must be losing my mind.**

**I don't own CSI: Miami. I just borrow it. **

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1. Cow

_The poor animal could've been his pet cow from the farm..._

"What is this?"

Morton's Steakhouse was a luxury only the rich people could possibly find in Miami, Florida. It was known for its rather large steaks and other cuisine that no one could possibly imagine. Everyone loved it that went there. Of course, it was for a rather hefty price- around fifty bucks a person. No wonder famous people went there.

So why wasn't IAB agent Rick Stetler considered famous?

The waiter walked over to him and smiled politely, as if he had mistaken what he had just heard. "Excuse me, sir?"

Stetler pointed to his plate of food. "What is this?"

"It's what you ordered," he replied. "A large, eighteen ounce steak with parley, garnished with a cream of garlic sauce, seared to perfection. I can request some olive oil for you if you would prefer it." Clearly, he read this off the top of his head, after speaking this to so many customers at one time.

The IAB sergeant cocked his head. "Do you know what steak is, sir?"

The waiter looked flustered. "Well, uh, it's cow."

"Yes. Exactly. COW!" he yelled, causing heads to turn in his direction. "COW! I'm a vegetarian! Why didn't I get the salad I ordered? I specifically asked for a Caesar salad with no meat bits, nothing that resolved around a cow!"

Clearly, the man was nervous at this outbreak of yelling by his customer. "I'm terribly sorry, but I believe you asked for…"

"You believe," he cut in. "YOU BELIEVE! There is a distinct difference between getting the supposed correct order and the ACTUAL correct order! Did you not listen to my voice when I specified that I wanted…"

"That's enough, Rick," a voice growled from behind him.

Horatio Caine stood behind him, standing in his usual sideways posture, studying the IAB agent rather intently. "You're a vegetarian?"

He groaned. Not him. "Yes. Yes, I am."

"Then you might want to leave and go to a place with vegetarian food."

He laughed. "Oh, please, Horatio. What else do you know?"

"That you don't like cow. Or burgers, or steak, or anything with meat now."

"I HATE COW FOR A REASON!" Rick yelled at a calm Horatio, who choose to ignore the hisses of whispering. "I lived on a farm half my life, watched my cow Misty die because we had nothing to eat over the winter, and I couldn't eat her body! It was too saddening! How could I eat my pet? I couldn't!"

"And that is why you hate cow," Horatio stated, just to be sure.

"Did you not hear a word I just said?!"

He shrugged and left the room. "Depends. I could have blown an eardrum with your yelling."

The waiter looked at him timidly. "Um, sir?"

Rick snapped him a glare. "Where's my salad?"

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**Heh. Reviews are appreciated. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Mustard

**The ideas are coming from nowhere...**

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2. Mustard

_The comment about her hair was unnecessary..._

There are many reasons why Calleigh Duquesne hates Rick Stetler so much. It's nothing that involves the whole team. It's a little side note that the producers failed to notice. At least, I think so. We all notice that she has some sort of thing wrong with Stetler, yet we have no idea what that is.

It all started when she first met him.

When Calleigh began to work for Horatio, one of the few people she met in person was, in fact, Rick Stetler. Amazingly enough, the two hit off at first sight. This kind of worried Horatio, to say the least. How could an IAB agent and a ballistics expert go together so well? I mean, yeesh, there could have been a spark or something that could go out.

So Horatio decided to play a trick on dear old Stetler. And on Calleigh, to show her how much of a jerk he really was. A blind date sort of joke.

He set up the two to go to dinner at the Capital Grille one night to get the two of them to know each other a little bit better. The two met up with each other, surprised by their date, and sat down to have a supposed nice dinner. Some salad, some bread, some soup, and a nice talk about getting together in the future.

That's when it got ugly.

Calleigh leaned across the table and took his hand. "So, Rick, I hear you're supposed to be pretty popular at IAB Headquarters. What's that like, being one of the more powerful people there?"

He looked somewhat flustered. "Actually, right now, I'm only the IAB sergeant."

She smiled. "Doesn't make much of a difference. You still have some say in what happens. It's kind of nice, actually." She stroked his hand. "So, tell me, what do think of me? And I want an honest answer."

Rick couldn't quite figure out what to say. Something told him that if he said what was actually on his mind about her, he would get his butt kicked by a Southern beauty such as herself. Then again, when was the last time he ever told his feelings about a girl who he had met only a week ago?

Choices, choices, choices.

He took a deep breath and told her words that would change his life with her forever.

"Your hair looks to be the color of mustard."

Okay, then. WHAT?!?!

Calleigh stood up so fast, she knocked the chair over. "Excuse me?" she asked dangerously, softly.

"Your hair looks to be the color of mustard."

She glared down at him, causing him to feel rather nervous at the sight. "My hair looks to be the color of golden yellow. NOT mustard!" With this, she stormed out of the room.

He just sat in his chair, blinking. That wasn't what he meant to say.

And just like that, Calleigh Duquesne didn't like Rick Stetler ever again. Especially when he said her hair appeared to be the color of mustard.

That was a big mistake.

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**I'm not evil. -insert plea for reviews here-**


	3. Elton John

**The joys of bashing… Thanks to **Mtwapa, Scorpii, Sarabear08, Carrro, Lady Sichi, RinakoKitano, and speedfanatic05** for reviewing!**

**Challenge by** The-Serious-Padfoot

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3. Elton John

_God, did he have a horrible singing voice..._

It had been a rather long day at work for Miami's famed lieutenant, Horatio Caine. He had just finished solving a rape-turned-murder case of a fifteen year old girl and was exhausted by everything and anything that had happened over his fifteen hour workday. Amazing on how some of the cases he got brought out more of his emotions than others.

He shook his head. Right now, he just wanted dinner.

As he walked into the parking lot, he noticed a familiar car driving out of the parking lot in front of him. Rick Stetler had the window rolled down, appearing to be mouthing the words to a song of sorts. Horatio narrowed his eyes. How was it that Stetler had prodded and poked his nose into this case today? There was nothing that involved officers. The IAB was becoming a lot more pokey these days.

As the car drove closer, he noticed Stetler smiling and contentedly singing to his heart's desire. And by the look of it…

"Rick!"

Stetler pulled over and turned down the volume, shrugging his shoulders. "Now what, Horatio? Is it a crime to sing and listen to the radio with the window rolled down?"

"What CD are you listening to, Rick?"

He held up a cover of a CD. H.'s jaw dropped. It was an Elton John CD. One that looked pretty familiar to his eyes.

"Is that mine?"

He shrugged. "You told me I could borrow it."

"I said 'borrow it,' Rick, not take it and keep it," he growled angrily.

He shrugged again. "Hey, you never use it. Not to mention you can't sing…"

Horatio leaned in to the car window. "Rick, I usually put up with your insults against the lab and me, but this is taking it to be a little too personal against me tonight. I've had a long day at work, and I was going to go home and listen to this. You decide to take it from me. I want it back."

Stetler simply cranked up the CD and smirked. "Can you feel the love tonight? It is where we are…"

"Give me back my CD before I rip off your head," the lieutenant instructed calmly, trying not to lose his head.

"That would be called battery, then, Caine."

"It's the least I could do to you after being an ass to me all week."

Stetler rolled his eyes. "Come on. One night."

Horatio pulled his lips into a tight smile. "If you don't bring it back to me, I'll call Yelina and tell her you've been stealing stuff."

These words hit Stetler like a bowling ball on his foot. He bit his lip. "So I'm still going out with her. So what?"

He just sighed. "Just go."

Stetler smiled like a kid at the candy shop and cranked back up the CD and continued singing. Horatio wrinkled his nose. Stetler really couldn't sing. At all.

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**Reviews are glomped! Thanks for** **reading!**


	4. Test

**Thanks to** Ad Hominem Argument, The-Serious-Padfoot, Scorpii, Sarabear08, speedfanatic05, Lady Sichi, and Mandi96 **for reviewing! You guys need a hug! **

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4. Test

_In little letters on the resume: "Cheated off Horatio Caine's test paper"..._

Everyone wonders what Horatio's big thing is with the IAB agent these days. It goes farther back than that promotion, I'll tell you that right now. In fact, it goes all the way back to college. The college exam to get their major.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

It was the day of the big exam to graduate and get a job in the world of people. Horatio Caine had studied for about six hours day and night for this thing. He was prepared for it, knowing he was going to get an A and a compliment from his strict teacher, Willis Farley. Everyone knew Mr. Farley favored him immensely.

And yet, he disliked Rick Stetler.

Stetler wasn't a slacker, to day the least. He did his work, partied to no end, and didn't barge in on Caine's study time. That made no sense, but it was his nature. There was something about his presence the teacher didn't like, though.

The kids filed in one by one, prepared for this exam that took four years of studying. Horatio walked in, and he hadn't been more than two seconds in his seat when…

"Caine! Off with those sunglasses of yours!" Farley hollered.

He rolled his eyes and took them off.

Stetler walked in and took a seat behind him. "Ready for this, Horatio?"

He smirked. "As ready as I will be, Rick."

Soon, the students were deep in the heart of the exam, writing fervently the answers to questions they thought they'd know. Horatio was trying to remember all he could about Criminology and the forensics he had been taught.

Meanwhile, Stetler was busy looking over the soon-to-be lieutenant's shoulder, attempting to copy every answer as best as he could, tweaking here and there at any possible time. He had studied, but there were some things he couldn't remember.

Okay, he hadn't studied period.

So much for that theory.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The tests were handed back some two weeks later. Horatio's eyes widened. He had gotten a ninety-seven percent, with the note "Congratulations! I'm glad you remember what I taught you, Caine! Good work!"

Stetler got back his. He got an eighty-three with the words "Caine told me you cheated. Good try."

He stormed over to his friend. "How did you know I cheated, Horatio?"

The red-head smiled and put on his sunglasses. "It's all good when I feel your breath on my neck, Rick." He walked off, leaving an enraged Stetler in his wake.

"One of these days, I'm going to get you, Horatio. Just you wait."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

This explains why he isn't lieutenant. His resume says he graduated from college. In very, _very _fine print, it says "Cheated off Horatio Caine's test paper in college."

Stetler's held a grudge against him every since that day H. told him. No wonder. His breath was probably really warm, too.

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**-insert standard plea here- I love you all!**


	5. Airplane

**I'm witty... -very dry voice- Thanks to **The-Serious-Padfoot, Mtwapa, Lady Sichi, Scorpii, Sarabear08, Ad Hominem Argument, speedfanatic05, The Fall Girl, and Spirit Wolf **for reviewing!**

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5. Airplane

_There were no videos on a burned plane..._

There had been a plane crash in the middle of a field about four miles away from the lab. One of the men on the flight was a police officer, of course, and Stetler had been assigned to the case. He had begged, pleaded to get off, but the Chief insisted.

Oh, Lord. Another day with Caine.

He arrived at the scene and looked around, Horatio already wandering over to him, giving him the "why-are-you-here?" look, as usual.

"Don't look at me like that," he groaned wearily.

"Why are you here, Rick?" Horatio asked.

He gave him an amused look. It was almost like reading minds. "There was an officer murdered in this case_, Lieutenant_," he replied. "You know Internal Affairs has to be involved."

"Indeed."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Stetler was taking a look around in the lab and decided to not pass up an opportunity to look into the A.V. Lab, to try and see how the case was going for the technological part of the whole team.

What he found kind of got him angry.

Dan Cooper sat in his office and was watching a movie (with planes, incidentally enough) about a famous Air Force pilot who lost his life in the line of duty. He looked up, not pausing the movie. "Can I help you, Sergeant?"

Rick cringed, but put on a face all the same. "I was wondering why you aren't working on this new case about the plane crash, Mr. Cooper."

"I would be, but I can't. I've got nothing to work off of."

"Well, surely, there must be some way for you to get your hands on a tape or…"

Dan glared at him. "Slight problem with that, Sergeant Stetler."

"What would that be?" Rick asked uneasily.

"I would have tapes to look at and such if they hadn't BURNED IN THE PLANE UPON IMPACT!"

Whoops.

Stetler simply backed away from the door. "I'm, uh, going to go, uh… you know."

Stetler's not exactly liked planes after that. He's always trying to look for, well, cameras.

And Dan Cooper hasn't bit off anyone's head like that since that day Stetler walked in on him. It was a wonderful moment for him.

Especially after Horatio heard about it.

Stetler walked back to his car and herd a familiar voice. "Rick?"

Aw, crap.

He turned around and saw Horatio standing on the sidewalk, holding something behind his back. He squinted. "I have a home, too, Horatio."

Caine walked up to him and simply put out his hand. It had a paper airplane in this with a note attached.

_By the way, I don't think planes have tapes. Especially ones that carry your fat body. It'd be called in for emergency landing. –Dan_

Stetler simply growled. Horatio smiled.

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**Another plea comes out... review!**


	6. Crayon

**I'm evil, aren't I? Thanks to **Scorpii, Ad Hominem Argument, Lady Sichi, Sarabear08, speedfanatic05, and Carrro **for reviewing!**

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6. Crayon

_He didn't know he wasn't supposed to draw on the wall..._

Who would have ever thought that Rick Stetler would have some day ended up in a daycare talking to some five year olds about teddy bears and coloring with them in the little table area for crayons? I'm pretty sure no one really had it intended like that, but that's okay, because neither did any of the CSIs. No one would have ever thought of Rick Stetler actually working with little kids in a secret way to solve a crime.

Neither did the day care providers.

Stetler had walked into the Happy Sunshine Daycare Facility with a smile on his face, a feeling of shallow bitterness in his heart. How in the world was he supposed to tell these kids that they were going to be witnesses in the murder investigation of a four year old kid? 'Sometimes, I hate working with IAB,' he thought angrily.

One of the boys walked up to him and pointed to the police badge on him. "You're a good guy, right?"

He smiled. "That's right. I wanted to ask you some questions."

"Is it about Lizzie?" he asked fearfully.

Stetler frowned, and then blinked. "Oh, you mean…"

The kid nodded and handed him a crayon. "I want you to draw something for me." He pulled his hand to the wall where various drawings were of little kids. One of the drawings was that of a little girl. The same one who died. "Can you draw me a big pink heart?"

'I got to give him credit,' he thought, smiling a little. 'He's polite.'

He took the crayon and began to draw a rather big heart on the wall. The little boy smiled as he watched the man begin to also draw teddy bears and other various plush animals on the wall. This man was doing something really cool and really bad at the same time. He wasn't supposed to be drawing on the walls, but he was a police officer.

After he had finished with the teddy bear and heart, he looked at the boy, who smiled. "What's your name?" he asked.

"It's Danny," he replied, then blinked. "You look tired, Mr. Police Officer. You can go sit in the sleeping corner." He pointed to a small area with various blanket and pillows.

Rick nodded, suddenly realizing how tired he was. He had only gotten five hours of sleep that whole week and could really use this sort of place to take a nap. Didn't matter if the kids were there.

He walked over and sat down, pulling one of the pillows under his head. Thirty seconds later, he was snoring away contently.

Danny smiled and walked over to the marker box. He looked at his five friends. "Mr. Stetler drew on the wall."

The kids nodded and grabbed various markers. The teacher in charge smiled and grabbed one, too.

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**Something tells me this is going to have some funny outcome. Part 1 of 2 done! -insert review plea here-**


	7. Marker

**Oh, god... -snickers- Thanks to **Scorpii, speedfanatic05, Carrro, and Sarabear08 **for reviewing!**

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7. Marker

_It was all over his face. Served him right for drawing on the wall..._

Rick woke up from his nap about an hour later, rubbing his face and looking at the clock on the wall. It read five-thirty PM. He blinked and rubbed his eyes. Yep, five-thirty. He glanced around the room. Not a single child was in there, and he could only hope that everyone had gone home for the night. He got up off the floor, groaning and heard a crack. He gritted his teeth. Praying that he wasn't getting any older, he opened the door to the night air and wandered to his car. The only thing Rick Stetler wanted was a caffeinated beverage…

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The first thing that happened when he reached the crime lab was about a dozen stares from every person in the lobby. A number of them were whispering to each other and snickering while some of the others' jaws dropped at the sight of him. He was beginning to feel particularly uncomfortable in this situation, so he pressed the button to the elevator and stepped in.

The next thing he knew, he was on the second level of the building, the location of the Miami Crime Lab and home to his enemy, Horatio Caine. He stepped off of the platform and walked towards the front desk, spotting Calleigh Duquesne in the evidence lab and Eric Delko taking a look at fingerprints. Ryan Wolfe, though, was walking right past him as he got out and blinked. "New makeup?"

Rick shook his head. "Excuse me?"

"Where'd you get the new look, Stetler?" he asked, stifling a giggle and failing miserably.

He gritted his teeth. "CSI Wolfe, what do you mean 'new look'?"

Ryan was now laughing helplessly against the rail as the doors closed and blocked him from view. Rick didn't know what to say. He simply shook his head and noted Horatio now walking in his direction. The agent turned to face him. Horatio."

The lieutenant stopped and glanced at him in his sideways manner. "May I help with som-" He stopped in mid-word and simply narrowed his eyes. "I must ask you something."

"What?"

"Why don't you take a look in the mirror for me?"

Surprisingly, Rick obliged to this request and walked into the men's bathroom. As he walked to the mirror and examined himself… "OH, MY GOD!" he suddenly screamed. All over his face, children had doodled with washable markers and created little designs such as butterflies, hearts, and even flowers. Immediately, he grabbed some paper towels and sprayed some soap on them, scrubbing his face as hard as he could. How could they do this to him?

Then it came back.

He had colored on the walls.

'There's got to be some sort of cruel irony here,' he thought bitterly as Horatio walked in and smiled, watching from the doorway. 'No wonder he doesn't go to those sorts of things. He doesn't have to write on the walls.'

There was a loud scraping noise as Stetler screamed in pain from rubbing too hard.

Horatio silently laughed. He was lucky to be given the magic touch of children, not the magic touch of having his face wrote on.

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**-review plea- I love you all! Again!**


	8. Origami

**Thanks to **daxy, Ad Hominem Argument, Sarabear08, Scorpii, speedfanatic05, and Carrro** for reviewing. No, I'm not talkative right now...**

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8. Origami

_Noah's Ark is supposed to be on water, not in Horatio's office..._

Horatio Caine constantly gets surprises from work, and today was no exception. It was seemingly calm that day in the Crime Lab. The team had been working on an armed robbery case with Feds agent Peter Elliot when he decided to walk into his office and look at the paper work the Chief had given him.

That's when he noticed it.

The origami Noah's Ark, complete with practically every type of animal in two-by-two formation, walking up the plank and into the boat. He blinked. This was freakin' nutty. It had pandas, cows, sheep, tigers, lions, bears… oh, my. He couldn't even reach his desk to get the paperwork. One name came into mind.

"STETLER!"

The entire office turned around to see a fuming Horatio Caine glaring at a Bambi-eyed Rick Stetler, who picked up the female panda bear. "You didn't put the whole scene out of place now, did you?" he asked.

"What the heck is a complete display of Noah's Ark origami doing in my cubical?" Horatio asked him bluntly.

Stetler's totally cute moment had disappeared. He glared at his fellow "partner." "I figured your office could use a little bit of lighting up, so I decided to create the scene from the Bible," he explained, picking up a dog. "Do you have a problem with it or something?"

Horatio sighed. "I think it's semi-obvious. They're clogging up my workspace here, Rick. And that is something I really don't want to have right now."

"I made every single one of these for you, and you have no 'thanks you's or 'wow, that's nice', or something in the middle?!" Stetler yelled. "I try to do something…"

STOMP.

Horatio stepped on Rick's toe and gave him an evil glare. "Just shut up and take these animals out of my space and I will get off your foot."

The other man glared back before snatching up the paper and looked back. "Are you sure you don't…"

Horatio pointed to the office door. "Out. Your animals can wait until after work."

"I'll put them by your car in a box," Stetler told him, backing out of the room and trying to locate a cardboard box. Some days, there were just times you had to grin and bear it.

And let me tell you something. Stetler was not grinning. At all.

Horatio was.

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**Issues? You bet. I must be bored... -sighs and begins making paper cranes-**


	9. Straws

**Hurray! An update! Thanks to **Scorpii, Ad Hominem Argument, Carrro, speedfanatic05, daxy, CSIBabs, and Sarabear08** for reviewing. This one is to die for. Blame Physics for this.**

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9. Straws 

_What was he doing, taking all those straws from the lounge...? _

Horatio blinked. Rick Stetler hadn't even noticed him all day long in the lab as he busily went in and out of the coffee lounge, taking boxes upon boxes of plastic straws into the office where he worked when he wasn't with IAB for the day. There were some complaints running rampant that they were disappearing from the storage rooms faster than one could say, "The brown mop of hair is overpowering me!"

Which is mainly when he enters the building.

"Hey, H."

The lieutenant turned around, blinking. Eric Delko looked distressed in his friend's eyes, but it was some no apparent reason. Or so he thought. No cases today, just a simple workday involving paperwork from the chief. "Can I help you, Eric?"

He nodded. "All the masking tape from the DNA Lab and other parts of the lab are gone. No one has any idea where it all could have gone to, and Stetler hasn't talked to anyone all day long. Not to mention that straws from the break room are all gone. You have any idea what happened to it all?"

Horatio raised an eyebrow. "I have an idea, Eric."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Horatio opened the door to the office. Rick turned around and looked at him fearfully. "Don't step there, Horatio. You're going to mess up the whole design!"

He blinked. "Excuse me?" He finally looked around and saw what had happened to the straws and tape. "Rick. What is with you?"

Indeed, the IAB agent had taped countless amounts of straws together using the missing masking tape that Eric had described and missing straws from the area to create… "A raft?" the lieutenant asked skeptically, eyeing his foe. "A RAFT?"

Stetler shrugged. "You can never be too careful, Horatio. Hurricane season is right around the corner, and I want to make sure that I'm ready for it. I don't think you have a boat for if you get trapped in your house and the only way you can get help if by floating on a boat."

"You're making absolutely no sense, Rick," Horatio told him flatly, staring at the contraption in disbelief. "The water is going to go right through the holes in the straw, and you're not going to have a boat by the time you get off of land."

Stetler pointed to the underside of the straw raft. "It's triple layered, Horatio. It's bound to work."

Horatio rolled his eyes. "Just one thing, Rick"

"Hm?"

"I'm going on that boat with you."

Stetler stared him. "Why?"

"So I can gloat when the thing hits the bottom."

A howl was heard from behind the closed doors moments later.

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**Yeah, I was bored and I have 50 straws on my desk right now. Little known fact: I'm a junior. Reviews are appreciated. Thanks for reading, friends. **


	10. Tree

**Ha-ha-ha, for all you Australians! I understand it's banned to go ho-ho-ho, but I simply couldn't resist. A happy holiday greetings to you fellow ** **Miami**** readers as I sit here and type away at yet another oneshot for your enjoyment! Many great thanks to **Carrro, Ad Hominem Argument, daxy, CSIBabs, Little Horatio, and speedfanatic05** for reviewing!**

**CHAPTERS 1-10 ARE DONE! PARTY IN THE REVIEWS SECTION!**

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10. Tree 

_He wasn't asked to put up the Christmas tree… _

It was the holiday season, and like most people, Rick Stetler was in no mood to work in the office. He would have rather been at home trying to get his house more festive for the annual little-known Christmas party he threw every year. I say little known because… well, who wants to go to the man's house anyway? It probably would have been insults galore for the guests. All the same, it was holiday season, and no snow was in sight for Miami, Florida. Go figure.

The noises in the lounge were enough to prove that something was up when people walked by and noticed a certain somebody reading a manual for how to put up a fake Christmas tree. Stetler hadn't ever had time to put one up, despite the fact he constantly worked in an office and could go home whenever he pleased. As crazy as it sounded, Rick was determined to give some festive cheer to the crime lab… even if it hurt him in the process.

Horatio walked by the place with a cup of coffee in his hand and opened the door to the place, watching Stetler grunt with the tree and all its pieces, parts, and glory. "Rick, what exactly are you hoping to accomplish with that Christmas tree?"

"I figure I may as well give you guys a small reason to approve of me," he replied, continuing to read the manual and put up the tree if possible. He gave Horatio his typical glare and attached one piece of the tree to another. "So piece A interspaces with section B…"

The lieutenant sighed and put down his coffee, sitting in the chair and placing his chin in his hands. "You know, I'd love to help you, Rick, but it's more fun to see you do the labor for a change and allow us to watch you and see how much you can suffer before I offer you a hand."

Stetler gave the man a sour look, glancing up from the instructions. "Shut up."

Five minutes later, a hand was poking out from behind the tree as Rick began trying to reach for the screwdriver. Horatio stifled a snort as the man grabbed the wrench instead. "Wrong thing, Rick."

"I don't see you on your hands and knees dishing out holiday spirit!" the agent retorted, proceeding to accidentally hit his hand on the tree itself.

Finally, around twenty minutes later, followed by some arguing, a grunt of response, and one downed shot of café cubano by Delko, the tree was finally up in the lounge. And Stetler was having serious problems getting out of the tree from whence he trapped himself. Horatio sat there, tears rolling down his cheeks in silent laughter as Stetler kneeled there under the tree, eye twitching. "I can't move, Horatio."

"Don't worry," Horatio chortled, taking out his cell phone. "You've probably given me the best idea for a Christmas gift ever."

And with that, he opened it to the picture menu and snapped a photo of the new tree in the lounge- the Stetler Christmas tree, complete with flailing hands and a yell of despair and anger.

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**Wow. I never thought I would actually laugh at my own writing. Happy holidays, you all, and please review! Thank you! **


	11. Contemplation

**Huh. I've made you all somehow stick with me for 10 chapters. –ponders this- I think I've made a lot of fun of the Internal Affairs man. And you all loved it. But what I take him and… twist him slightly? I dunno, an angel… some deep provoking thoughts about the man… yeah. **

**Thanks for those reviews to **daxy, Carrro, speedfanatic05, Ad Hominem Argument, Captain-Jana-Sparrow, Little Horatio

**One-shot for **Carrro. **We all love HoratioYelinaStetler things… but this one may throw you for a loop.**

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11. Contemplation 

_Standing on the beach, her head on his shoulder… _

He wanted to take her to see a sunset, and tonight was the perfect night. They had been together for a month now, and she had made several mentions of being back with her brother-in-law sometimes. He had relented, but if she brought him up one more time, he'd have to give her a serious talk. It wasn't that he hated her talking about the redhead; he just felt it was time to tell her that he did, in fact, love her.

As in, seriously love her.

Yelina Salas's voice sounded soft as the sun began to shrink behind the ocean. "I remember those nights when Raymond was alive," she muttered to him, voice thick with emotion. "We'd come to this same dock and we would tell little things about our day." She smiled softly. "And I can tell you want to tell me something, Rick. So why not spill?"

Rick Stetler smiled slightly. He ran his fingers through the Colombian's hair, nodding slightly to himself. "Oh, you'd love to hear what I have to say, Yelina? Would it be too much to say that I love you?"

The woman didn't say anything. Finally, she replied, a hint of surprise in her voice, "You really mean it?"

If it would get her mind off of the Caines, it wouldn't hurt to tell this little white lie. "Of course."

She glanced up at him. Her eyes were brown, so anxious as she cocked her head. Stetler wanted to hug her tighter than he had ever done it before. "You wouldn't lie to me, would you? I mean, Horatio doesn't lie. But you've lied in the past to others. You're not lying to me, are you?"

Rick's head began to spin. "I don't want to hear anything more about your brother-in-law," he told her quietly, placing a kiss on her head. "Horatio isn't here right now. It's only you and me."

"Really?"

Oh, mother from down under. Rick's head turned slightly as he saw the redhead lieutenant staring at the two from his Hummer. Stetler mentally smacked himself. How could he have not heard the motor of the vehicle from the dock? He hadn't done a more stupid move in ages. Smiling at the male, he shrugged. "I'm not sure why you're here, Horatio, but I can assure you Yelina can take of herself."

'With you around?' Horatio thought. 'Not likely, Rick.'

Yelina pushed herself away from Stetler lightly and glared at her brother-in-law. "My, aren't we protective today."

Stetler loved the defiance in her tone. She sounded so… desperate to not see his face again. And yet, she sounded so anxious to get away from the Internal Affairs agent. Giving both men one last look, she shook her head and walked to her car, firing up the engine and pulling out of the parking lot.

At this point, Stetler stalked over to Horatio, fire in his eyes. "What the hell was that for?!"

Horatio shrugged. "I care for her, Rick. You, of all people, should know that."

"Oh, for crying out loud! We were fine until _you_ showed up!"

Horatio hadn't ever heard this tone with Rick before. He raised an eyebrow mildly. "Funny. I thought you'd be… abusing her. Other women you've spent time with all have bruises."

Stetler growled lowly in his throat. The redhead knew that he was wishing to be the alpha male, but it was clear he wasn't. He clenched his fists. "Damn, you are a pain."

"I try to be," Horatio smirked smoothly, rolling up the window and pulling out of the spot.

Rick walked over to his car and slammed his fist on the top of the vehicle. Was it so hard to gain a person's respect and love? Trust, even?

He'd have to contemplate these things over a cold shower…

* * *

**Okay, new light for Stetler. I had to give the man a break. What did you think? –insert standard review request here- Have a batch of frosted brownies. Thanks for reading. **


	12. Medicine

**Woo-hoo. Here's one for the sick person in all of us. Am I the only one that shudders when drinking cough medicine? **

**Thanks for the reviews **Carrro, lt2, PunkPrincess145, Le Pecore Nere, CSIBabs, daxy, Ad Hominem Argument, Captain-Jana-Sparrow, Jag Lady

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12. Medicine 

_Caffeine was NOT medicine..._

Another loud cough erupted in the hallways of the lab as Stetler covered his mouth and let loose yet another signature hacking fit. He had been sick for that entire week, and the cough medicine that Alexx Woods had prescribed to him wasn't doing anything to sooth his pain. His chest now hurt every time he coughed, and his head was hurting anyways, so…

It only gave him a worse amount of pain when he saw Horatio simply glaring at him over the top of his sunglasses. The brunette rolled his eyes and shrugged off the gesture like on would try and dust off his shirt anything that had to do with annoying dust particles. "What am I doing wrong now, Horatio?" he asked wearily.

"The fact that there are germs getting in my office is something to worry about, Rick," he told the man calmly, slipping off his sunglasses and fingering them. "If you're so sick, why don't you just take the day off?"

Stetler gave him an incredulous look. "I can't do that, Horatio!" he nearly yelled, despite his voice being scratchy. "I have to pay for my house, my car, the fact that I have to eat…"

Horatio snorted. "I'm sure fasting for a day isn't going to kill you, Rick."

The man simply shook his head and looked at the medicine Alexx had given him. "Do you know how much of this stuff I'm supposed to take, Horatio?" he inquired, squinting at the tiny writing on the bottle. "I swear, I think it says two teaspoons a day, but of course, I can't read it for crap. Mind giving me a hand?"

"You can be so hopeless sometimes," Horatio mumbled, taking the bottle from Rick and scrutinizing the label. "Why the heck are you even taking this?"

Rick snorted. "That's obvious. I have a cold, and Alexx gave me some medicine for it. She was all nice to me about it- unlike you, who's complaining about my currently terrible eyesight. Is it my fault I got sick when I took three days off of my vacation time?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. But what I do know, Rick, is that this isn't medicine. It's, um… caffeine. _Liquid_ caffeine."

"_WHAT?!" _

Stetler snatched the bottle from the redhead, eyes flaming. Sure enough, the label proudly proclaimed that it was, indeed, liquid caffeine for those who needed an energy boost. But this was no ordinary liquid caffeine- oh, no. It was _cherry-flavored_ liquid caffeine. It also came in orange, blueberry, and grape. If you wanted to stop an addiction, apparently, this was the stuff you were supposed to use.

Now, Rick had an intense craving for coffee every now and then, but it was never on a day-to-day basis. Mainly because of the fact that if he drank caffeine, he had to _go_ really badly.

And this medicine was definitely not helping his cough go away.

"You really need to not trust Alexx when it comes to drugs sometimes," Horatio remarked dryly.

"Thanks for the tip," Stetler growled.

And sure enough, Stetler rushed off to the bathroom. And guess what?

There was a heat wave in Miami. A horrible heat wave.

The bathroom smelled of mold and cough syrup.

Quite a disgusting combination.

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**Lost it. I've completely lost my sanity. But that's okay. Thanks for reading! Reviews are enjoyed. **


	13. Paleontology

**I haven't ever updated this story so fast! This is a very stupid little one-shot that came to mind after getting a new obsession over a character in a different series. Yes, I'm 16- but I fell for this series around Wednesday night, I think. So… oh, god, this is going to kill me… **

**Thanks for those awesome reviews **daxy, Ad Hominem Argument, Jag Lady, CSIBabs, FernClaw, PunkPrincess145, speedfanatic05, Le Pecore Nere

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13. Paleontology 

_That dinosaur bone was a piece of evidence? _

The Miami-Dade Crime Lab had taken on a great number of cases, and some of them could sometimes leave them scratching their heads in bewilderment. It wasn't just because of the criminals or the reason for the crime. It was actually more along the lines of the evidence that they found sometimes. Not shards of glass or hair or anything…

More along the lines of a _dinosaur bone. _

It was odd enough to catch Stetler's eye when he found out that Horatio had decided to call in an expert from Reefside, California. Now, there were paleontologists in Miami, but Horatio found the whole lot of them to be "just a bunch of old fossils looking for work." His exact words.

Stetler rolled his eyes when he stepped out of the elevator that morning, taking a look around the lab. It was a typical morning- people buzzing around, lab techs looking at their folders and data. This was definitely going to be a pointless day to be here. Not that it never a pointless day in the lab- every time he went there, something managed to get done besides the task at hand.

"Stetler."

The Internal Affairs sergeant turned around at the sound of Horatio's voice, crossing his arms. "Horatio," he responded evenly. "I hear there's a paleontologist coming from California to examine a piece of evidence in the lab."

The redhead ducked his head slightly and smiled. "Is there a problem with that?"

"No. Just wondering why you're asking him to come from the west. We have these types of guys in our own backyard. How much are you paying him to be here?"

"None of your concern," Horatio replied. "I'd like you to meet him."

The man gritted his teeth. "With pleasure."

And with that, the two men went straight for DNA. The redhead knew that Stetler was going to get delusions when he saw the man working on the fossil in the lab, and he was perfectly fine with that. He loved watching Rick's face whenever someone famous came into the lab. Opening the door and allowing the brunette in first, he followed and looked down at the floor slightly. "Any progress yet, Dr. Oliver?"

The raven haired male inside the room looked up from his work and sighed, taking off his glasses and fidgeting with them Horatio-style. "Honestly, Lieutenant, nothing yet. Although I do recognize that you have a leg bone, judging by the looks of things."

Stetler's jaw dropped. "You've got to be kidding me."

The paleontologist looked at the brunette. "Um, no. I happen to know these sorts of things."

Horatio grinned. "Rick Stetler, I'd like you to meet Dr. Thomas Oliver, paleontologist and high school science teacher at Reefside High in Reefside, California. He's decided to come here to the beaches of Florida and give us a hand on this case."

The jaw was back up. Stetler knew him- he was very famous for trying to recreate dinosaurs in the past. But when one of the experiments killed his partner, Anton Mercer, he stopped with the way of the dinosaur and became a high school teacher. He swallowed, grinning like a kid meeting Santa Claus. "It's an… an honor to meet you, sir! I've heard all about your findings, your research, your… everything about you!"

Both lieutenant and other male blinked, backing away slowly. Tommy raised an eyebrow. "Oooh-kay?"

Horatio narrowed his own. "Are you okay, Rick?"

"Oh, I'm _completely_ fine!" he replied ecstatically, still grinning and finally walking out of the room.

The two looked at each other before Horatio finally burst out snickering. "I'm sorry, that was a nice moment to see."

"Is he always like this?" Tommy inquired carefully, fingering a key of sorts.

The other man shook his head. "Never. Although, for the record, don't tell him your with the Dino Thunder Power Rangers. I think he'd faint with glee."

"You're kidding."

"I never joke about those sorts of things, Tommy. Never."

Tommy smirked. "He looks like a six year old on Christmas morning."

"And he will always look that way, Dr. Oliver," Horatio replied, slipping on his sunglasses. "He will always look that way."

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**Oh, please don't give me that look. I just _had_ to make Stetler act out of character for once. And yes, that's my new obsession. I don't want a horrible thing from any of you, please. I'm just putting these out for sheer amusement. **

**And if you didn't get it, the crossover is Power Rangers/CSI: ****Miami****. Might have to consider actually doing one. Who's with me on that? –crickets chirping- Never mind. But if you want to see more of this, just tell me! **

**Thanks for reading. Reviews are enjoyed. **


	14. Poke

**An update in honor of **Jag Lady- **Because I know about physical humor, thanks to her. XD**

**Thanks for the amazing reviews **CSIBabs, daxy, Jag Lady, Le Pecore Nere, speedfanatic05, PunkPrincess145, Ad Hominem Argument

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14. Poke 

_He had nothing better to do. AT ALL. _

Horatio walked out of DNA with the results on who had been holding the knife at the crime scene. His lips pursed angrily, his body boiling with fury. How dare the father decide to kill his own daughter.

These tended to be the cases where Horatio got snappish at people until the suspect- or killer- came into the office. Everybody hated him being a ticking time bomb in this manner, so the majority of the CSIs stayed away from him until he rightfully delivered justice. This time was also known to everyone as "Horatio time."

Stetler, though- being the unfortunate soul he was- had no clue about Horatio time and figured that this was be a good time to bother him.

Amazingly enough, he had managed to schedule in time with Horatio. He'd known it was probably going to be another miserably failed attempt at trying to mend their friendship, but hey. Whoever never tried always failed. And Stetler was willing to bet his entire lunch that it was going to be a very dismal failure.

So when he saw Horatio standing by the skylight outside DNA with the folder in hand and a strange look on his face, he realized that he was just a bomb. But how long until it exploded?

He walked up to the redhead and tried to give him a slight smile. "Horatio."

"Go away," he growled, very unlieutenant like.

He winced. Okay, this was not even _starting_ well. This guy had to loosen up slightly. He really needed to quit jerking so hard on the reigns of justice right now. "Is this a bad time?"

Horatio glared at him from his fifty-degree angle stance. "What you think?"

"I see I have to use desperate measures," Stetler grumbled.

It was very rare when Stetler decided to get physically annoying, but right now seemed to be one of those times. Looking down at his hand as if reading answers off for a quiz, he put up his index finger and brought it into the lieutenant's right arm.

_Poke. _

Horatio raised an eyebrow. "What're you doing?"

_Poke. _

"Rick? You can stop any time, you know."

_Poke._ "Horatio, lighten up a little. God, everyone's crawling away as if they've been wounded in some mass attack on the lab." Stetler gave him a pointed glare. "I know interrogations can be hard for you, but you don't have to stand here snarling like a Doberman."

Horatio's eyes narrowed. "Quit poking me."

_Poke._

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Horatio snarled.

_Poke._ "I have nothing better to do. This is very entertaining, actually."

Horatio finally smacked his hand away, eyes blazing. "Well, go bother someone else, damnit!"

Stetler stared at the man with a glare. "God, I'm trying to make you listen to me, and it appeared that the only way to do that was through physical means!"

"I'll go physical on you if you poke me again, Rick."

He hated that tone- soft, dangerous. He believed that the bomb would explode during the next meeting with one of his peers.

Stetler quietly slipped away. He'd done enough poking and prodding for one day.

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**Who says I can't do physical humor? Want to challenge me and the drabbles? Drop a line! Anything goes! Thanks for reading, and feel free to review! **


	15. Blender

**-insert very long and happy squeal here- I must yell out my happiest congratulations to** Jag Lady! **It's because of her that this story has now officially surpassed 100 reviews! AND EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON OUT THERE NEEDS A HUG RIGHT NOW! **

**Thanks for the kind reviews **Carrro, daxy, Phantom Creedy lover, Blackdragon189, Jag Lady, CSIBabs, paperback-romance, PunkPrincess145, Ad Hominem Argument, Le Pecore Nere

**Chapter dedication is to** Jag Lady **for hitting the 100 review mark!**

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15. Blender 

_Note to self: Put top on blender before hitting button. _

He hated cooking. It took too much time and effort, and it was a messy process in the first place. Not only that, but it seemed to Stetler that nothing in the way of food liked him. At all. Whether it was the stove, the microwave, or anything else in particular… okay, the kitchen in general didn't seem to like him.

So the day he came home with a blender was the day he completely lost his head.

Groaning and placing the machine down on the counter, Stetler merely stood there for a moment, staring around the room. His home, his one place he loved to stay and spend quality time by him- he couldn't help but wonder if someone had jinxed the whole place to hate him. Brushing this thought out of his mind, he turned to the box that held his newest cooking device and took a deep breath.

He began to open the box and work on his blender, piece by piece…

_…Several long and rather sweaty minutes later… _

Hr growled, snapping the last piece in place. "God, I hate technology," he muttered, pulling out his finger and sucking intensely. "Especially when it has the capacity to slice my finger."

And somehow, Stetler had managed to hurt himself when working with a machine _yet again_. Silently cursing and mentally beating himself, he picked up the device and placed it next to the stove, plugging it in and smiling. "After all that work, I think I'd better have a smoothie," he announced, as if it was of some valued importance in his life. (And we all know it wasn't in the slightest.)

So Stetler decided to make himself a smoothie- a fruit one, at that. He got out strawberries, mangos, bananas, and other various fruit items, smacking himself into the refrigerator and proceeding to make a fool of himself in the house. After mumbling a curse under his breath and grabbing a knife out of the knife holder, he proceeded to slice up and slip in the various fruits and other items with as much dignity as a man could with a cut finger. "Watch there be blood in it," he grumbled.

Finally, after seven long minutes of cutting, even more animated words, and another sliced finger (this time his middle), Stetler sighed and glared at the blender. "Now, you give me my damn smoothie, and I won't ever have to use you again. If you're lucky, you'll start collecting dust like every other electronic device in here." Hoping for the best, he pressed the 'on' button.

It happened in an explosion, to say the least. The blender suddenly roared to life, proceeding the slice and dice of pieces of food and spraying them out all over the place. Stetler yelled with surprise and didn't move, too shocked by this rare occurrence. It continued to spew until he finally managed to shut off the machine, placing his hands on the counter and panting, adrenaline rushing through his veins. He took a long deep breath and glared at it. What was wrong? What did he miss?

And then it hit him.

Slowly, the Internal Affairs agent walked over to the box and turned it over, shaking out what other contents could have been left. The top of the blender dropped out, clean and shiny with no fruit on it whatsoever.

He stood there and blinked. "Oh, my god…" he muttered before shaking his head and throwing the blender cover at the wall.

If anyone wondered where the fruit stains came from… he'd have to make a good story about this one in the morning…

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**I gave you another one! ;) So happy! I got your challenges, and I shall be starting soon enough! Thanks for reading, and feel free to review! It makes me happy and post chapters more quickly! **


	16. Random

**Ladies and gentlemen- today is the one year anniversary of this fic! I'm proud to say that I have 15 (now 16) drabbles for this story, and I plan to try and finish it as soon and get as many reviews as I might be able to… That sounds so wrong… **

**My first try at a self insert fic. Good god, help me… **

**Anyways, thanks for the amazing reviews **Jag Lady, Ad Hominem Argument, CSIBabs, daxy, PunkPrincess145, Carrro, speedfanatic05, Le Pecore Nere

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16. Random 

_She didn't like him, did she? _

He smirked quietly in the corner of the small office. "One whole year."

Shining Zephyr sighed and leaned back in her chair, twirling a pen in her hand. "And to think that I totally hated your guts around a year ago. Now I torture you to no end in my stories."

"And everybody likes it," Rick Stetler grumbled. "Every time you write something that has to do with me, I get inflicted with pain!"

Shining gave him an evil glare. She hadn't really been a huge fan of Rick since she had seen the episode "Shattered" on a trans-continental flight. Her small speck of liking for him continually spiraled downwards until she finally saw "Crime Wave…" and her hatred reached optimum levels. After seeing Yelina's black eye… well, it defined Stetler in her mind. Since the episode, Shining had made a very hard effort to make him hated in quite a number of his stories.

She turned back to Chapter 8 of _The Demon_ and furrowed her brow. "This chapter isn't as easy as I thought it would be," she admitted.

Stetler snickered. "Good for you. Does that mean I can kill Horatio yet?"

She raised an eyebrow. Minimizing her Word document on the screen in front of her, Shining opened another recent document. Typing in a few things and mumbling to herself, she turned her attention to the Internal Affairs sergeant. "Hey, Rick. Do you ever get the feeling that something terrible is about to happen only moments before it does?"

"Yeah. Why?"

She smiled and hit the 'enter' button on the keyboard. Out of nowhere, a shoe came and smacked Stetler in the head. There was a loud yell as he doubled over and grabbed the other desk in the room. "What was that for?!"

"You should know by now that a lot of people love to hate you."

He swelled up like a balloon at this. "Oh, come on, Shining. I know that. My one complaint to you is that you don't bash Horatio enough in your stories! And I'm the brunt of everything!"

The sixteen-year-old's eyes flashed. She hit the 'enter' button again. Another shoe came flying out of nowhere and proceeded to hit him in the head again. Her finger dangled dangerously close to the key. "You insult him again, and I'm keeping my finger down on the key. And I'm changing the word from 'shoe' to 'mattress.'"

He swallowed. "I get your point already!"

Silence.

"Can I come see what you've wrote?"

She grinned. "Sure."

Stetler walked over and watched her fingers move at a near blinding speed. "By the way, happy one year anniversary on the 'Shining Stetler Stories' collection of yours. That thing had come pretty far, huh?"

Shining nodded absently. "Uh-huh."

"How'd you get in here anyways?"

Sighing, the authoress hit the 'enter' button once again, and the shoe smacked him in the head once again. "That falls under the category of 'none of your business.'"

Stetler growled. "Answer me."

She stood up and watched the computer for a moment before moving her hand to the mouse and clicking something. "You can thank Horatio for me being here later," she told him, smirking and clicking the 'upload' button.

Snarling, Stetler leapt for Shining, who disappeared in a flash of light. His head proceeded to suddenly collide with the keyboard, his forehead landing on the 'enter' key and staying there.

The shoes came flying from every direction. And Stetler could only think of one thing.

'I _hate_ fan fiction writers…'

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**-snickers- I'm kind of like that in real life. Kind of. Not that mean. Although it'd be fun to throw shoes at him all the time… reviews are enjoyed. Thanks for reading! **


	17. Green

**-head-desk- Happy belated St. Patrick's Day, you guys. I think this may seem a little short today, but I got something over the weekend. Something that got me _really sick._ And I'm in pain… _AGAIN…_**

**Thanks for the patient reviews** EmilyProctorsLittleGirl, CSIBabs, Jag Lady, speedfanatic05, PunkPrincess145, daxy, Le Pecore Nere, Carrro, paperback-romance, Little Horatio

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17. Green 

_Well, he wasn't wearing green… _

St. Patrick's Day was the perfect day in the lab to pull pranks on one another if you weren't wearing green. And it was already showing despite the eight o'clock hour in the lab. People exited off the elevator to the floor of the Crime Lab, wearing some sort of green clover or hat or something along those lines. 

And for Horatio Caine, it was enough for him to wear a _bracelet,_ of all things, on his wrist as to not attract attention to himself during the day's case work. 

Because almost every year, they got a call about some guy being a leprechaun and stealing gold from a bank. And chances were pretty high that it wasn't about a theft. More along the lines of a murder. 

Horatio adjusted his sunglasses in the bright sunlight and sighed, giving a look over the body with piercing eyes. He was in typical form; standing over it and blocking out the sun, watching Alexx give a run down of possible wounds he might have had due to self defense or cover-up for the real way he had died. But Horatio hadn't heard a word she said. 

His gaze was focused on the body, sure, but his ears were attuned to the footsteps behind him that belonged to a certain Internal Affairs agent. 

Alexx stared up at her boss. "Horatio?" 

He turned towards the source of the noise and raised an eyebrow at Stetler, who returned Horatio's unwelcome glare. "Shut up. I don't want to be here, and you should know that." 

"I didn't say anything," the redhead replied quietly, looking at his foe from head to toe. "I'm merely wondering something." 

Stetler snorted. "What?" 

Horatio fingered his hand for a moment before reaching out and bringing his hand across Stetler with a resounding _SLAP!_ The Internal Affairs agent clutched his arm in pain, gritting his teeth. "_What _the hell was that for?" he snarled, tears stinging his eyes. 

"Happy St. Patrick's Day, Rick," he informed Stetler, a ghost of a smile on his face. "You're not wearing green today." 

He jammed his hands into his pockets. "First off, you assaulted me. And secondly, you're supposed to _pinch_ me, for crying out loud!" 

Horatio snorted this time. "Pinch you? I don't pinch people like you. Be glad you only got a smack to the arm and not a poke in the eye." 

Oh, that hurt. That hurt more than the slap to the arm did.

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**PHYSICAL HUMOR! Pffft… go figure. Okay, here's the deal. I'm updating this today, tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. At least, attempt to. So, review and give me ideas. –flips open notebook- I think barbeque is next… maybe… Thanks for reading! **


	18. Barbeque

**Request by **CSIBabs

**I don't own **Emmalyn Stockburne, **OC- she belongs to **Jag Lady. 

**Thanks for the reviews** FernClaw, Le Pecore Nere, Wolfsong98, CSIBabs, speedfanatic05, Little Horatio, daxy, Jag Lady 

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18. Barbeque 

_Those poor hot dogs. _

"A barbeque? You're kidding." 

Natalia snorted with laughter, cleverly disguising it into a well placed cough. Horatio merely raised an eyebrow in Stetler's direction, folding his arms. "Rick, are you saying you can cook?" 

Stetler knew that if he said "no," he'd bring up painful memories of a smoothie incident that happened a while back. His hand throbbed in pain as a warning, and he nodded. "Well, yeah! I can cook!" he lied, like the cheating person he was. His hand was stuffed into his pocket, which was throbbing and taunting him, but he ignored the pain as best he could. 

Horatio smiled. "Well, a cookout. I guess it'll give me something to think about, huh? Food for thought, Rick." 

'I hope so,' Stetler thought nervously. 

**-SSS-**

It was cloudy skies in Stetler's backyard that afternoon; the yard consisted of a screened in pool and a nice little grass are for kids to play in. Horatio looked around, impressed. "I have to say, Rick, you've got a nice place here," he admitted, cocking his head and looking at his enemy. "Especially the walls in the kitchen. Looked like fruit splatter all over the place." 

Stetler forced himself not to go emo for a moment. 

The grill was near the poolside, and slowly, the CSI team began to make themselves comfortable. Natalia looked down at the water and stuck her toe in, shivering slightly before finally sitting on the deck and allowing both feet to wade in the warm water. "What's the temperature in here?" 

"I can go look for you," Stetler offered, turning up the heat on the grill and placing on some hot dogs on the grate. 

Emmalyn 'Emmie' Stockburne waved a hand, standing by Horatio and wincing slightly. "I'll go look, Rick. Just make sure not to let the food burn. Lord only knows what would happen if you let a blender go crazy and you'd get smoothie all over the place." 

He swallowed slightly, sniffing the air. "Is something burning?" 

Unfortunately, the answer was yes. 

The hot dogs had caught on fire after being on the grill for not even one minute. 

Yelping, the male shut off the grill and proceeded to watch the food burn to a crisp right before his eyes. His mouth opened and shut like a fish out of water, and he whirled around, eyes blazing at the two women. "Oh, sure! You _planned_ to distract me from my work! Bunch of conspirators! _CONSPIRITORS!" _

Emmie rolled her eyes. "I'm not the one that has ADD." 

Natalia snickered lightly. "And I'm not the one who's supposed to be watching the grill." 

And she had a good point, too. For Stetler's back was turned in Horatio's direction- in which the lieutenant proceeded to turn up the heat to the grill. 

It was in this moment that the burned pieces of hot dog simply caught fire, proceeding to let the smoke alarms inside and outside his house to go off. 

**

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**I'm mean. I'm SO cruel to him. Anyways, thanks for reading! **

**P.S: My original line breaks aren't working all of the sudden...**


	19. Poofy

**Here's another Stetler-one-shot for you all. Hope you enjoy it!**

**Thanks for reviewing **FernClaw, speedfanatic05, daxy, Jag Lady, paperback-romance, ComputerRejected, CSIBabs, Carrro, Ad Hominem Argument, PunkPrincess145, Le Pecore Nere

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19. Poofy

_This just had to fall under stalking..._

Stetler's head was on the desk, the buzzing of his cell phone making no attempt to stop. His friend leaned over from the other cubical and frowned slightly. "Hey, Rick. Aren't you going to pick that up?"

"No," he muttered, his voice sounding muffled. "I'm not going to pick it up, I don't plan on picking it up, so there's no way in hell I will pick it up. I don't care if it's the Board of Directors or something. I've had a long day, and I want to take a break. So leave me alone." He lifted his head up. "And if it doesn't stop ringing, I'm going to snap it in two."

His friend rolled his eyes and turned away. "Whatever."

The buzzing didn't stop. Finally, his head shot up, and he grabbed the phone. "What is it?!" he growled.

_"You left something at the crime lab, Rick,"_ an all-too-familiar-voice answered, snickering slightly. _"Don't you want to come over and pick it up?"_

Stetler's blood froze. "Horatio? What are you...?"

Horatio's voice snickered again. _"I'm saying pick up your toys when you leave, Rick. You don't want Poofy to get stepped on."_

Poof...?

Wait a second.

* * *

The elevator doors opened, and Rick shot out like a bullet, his heart racing with worry. He didn't leave it here, he didn't leave it here...

And there he was. Horatio was actually grinning a very Stetler-like grin and holding an eight-inch teddy bear in front of him. "Do I detect the child in you, Rick?" he teased gently. "Of all the things in the world to name this, you had to call it 'Poofy.' I think I would have had a crime scene in here from laughing so hard."

"Nobody asked your opinion, Horatio," he growled lowly. "Now give him back to me."

It was clear the lieutenant was having a great deal of fun with this. And it was obvious that Rick wasn't. The redhead merely smiled. "I'll ask you this. Why do you still have a teddy bear exactly? Rick, you're a forty-something year old man. Surely, you can find yourself a woman or something of that nature."

Rick stood there, fuming. "I'm not going to answer that."

Horatio raised an eyebrow. "Right then." He looked at the stuffed animal in amusement. "So, why do you have one?"

"Because I don't have a woman," he replied, shrugging his shoulders. "Why ask me that?"

"It's a free country. And besides, I even took a picture of it at my desk. It is a very cute bear, Rick. You should be lucky that someone so lovable is willing to put up with you, even if it _is_ made of fluff."

Rick snickered. "Funny. Now give him back."

The redhead merely grinned and handed 'Poofy' bacl to the Internal Affairs sergeant. "Take good care of Poofy," he teased.

"Oh, I will."

Horatio's smile faded for a moment. "And if you don't, I'll send the International Teddy Bear Humanitarian Squad for Fluff and Abuse after you. They'll take Poofy, and I'll make sure they find a home for him. A _proper_ home."

Stetler stood there, his blood beginning to boil. "What are you suggesting?"

"Don't abuse him anymore." He looked away. "That, and I find naming a teddy bear after your ex-girlfriend to be a bit much."

Yes, Stetler named the bear Yelina. Yelina 'Poofy' Stetler.

"Stalker," Horatio muttered after Stetler stormed off.

* * *

**M'kay. Frankly, I don't know where this came from. I don't wanna know where this came from. But if you liked it a little, review. Thanks for reading!  
**


	20. Battle

**Okay then. We're at number twenty after some odd three and a half months (I think), and we're going strong! I'm very happy with how these drabbles are going! And I hope you are, too. Eighty to go!**

**This is different than the norm. I'm aiming for an AU battle between Horatio and Stetler. This has ben inspired by the Final Fantasy VII music "Those Who Fight." And I'm aiming for you guys to cheer for H a little more. This might be an upcoming excerpt for my supernatural series you all may know as "Heroes."**

**NOT FOR THE YOUNG ONES. Rated** T for Violence and some language.

**So, thanks for reviewing **speedfanatic05, daxy, Carrro, FernClaw, Jag Lady, CSIBabs, Ad Hominem Argument, ComputerRejected, EmilyProcotorslittlegirl, PunkPrincess145, Le pecore Nere, Hope06

* * *

20. Battle

_Time to end this once and for all._

He smirked at Horatio, his sword forming in his hand. "You took control of your demonic powers, did you? I'm impressed, Horatio. After nearly five months of being by yourself, you had enough time to finally take control of your powers. Now look at you. You're the first ever half water-half darkness hybrid!" Stetler laughed, his nine silver fox tails swishing. "See how easy it is! I can destroy ones you so love, and you become the very thing I want you to!"

Horatio narrowed his eyes, his own tails swishing. His weapon appeared, the large sword with multiple frills and designs, navy blue to match his demonic tails. "Must be the reason why my team split off. To resurrect Calleigh and help this world in need." His hand glowed brightly, his eyes on fire. "Would you really try and destroy the one whom you've had your eye on for so many months?"

Stetler grinned, pointing his katana at the man. The clouds on the horizon seemed to exemplify the coming battle. "Possibly. I don't need you anymore. I have utter control of Miami, and you're practically to thank for it."

Horatio placed his own sword up in a defensive position and clenched up.

Suddenly, everything moved at once.

Stetler swung his weapon straight for Horatio, tails swishing. Horatio's own sword connected with his as he aimed a kick for his foe right in the chest. The demon went back a couple of feet before regaining his balance and pulling off a snarl. "Very nice. You can defend yourself in times of trouble. But honestly..."

"Honestly what?"Horatio growled, his sword now in one hand. "I don't know what you're _honestly _thinking, but your time with me is done. I'm finished with you. It's time to end this once and for all."

"You think?" he replied snidely.

A moment later, swords clanged together, and Stetler and Horatio were engaged in an elemental dance of death of death. The darkness- or more aptly, Stetler- shot a beam of black energy towards the master of water, who leapt away and sent of wave of water in his direction in the form of a well placed kick towards the face. Stetler slashed the water away with a quick swipe of his sword and gave Horatio a haunted glare. "You're not going to..."

_WHAM._ Horatio's sword collided right with his own again, a raging fire in his eyes. "You stay away from my team," he whispered, whirling around and hitting the weapon _again._ "Your threats mean _absolutely nothing."_

Stetler was getting very worried. This wasn't supposed to happen. It seemed impossible. Horatio was getting... _stronger._

"When my team gets injured because of your damned _screw-ups..."_ _WHAM._ The sword nearly cut into the flesh, but instead it cut him gently across the arm.

"And you happen to be the cause..." Again, the sword lashed out. Stetler barely blocked it.

Impossible. Horatio was using the darkness to his _advantage._

He was using it for _good._

Stetler's eyes widened with stunned disbelief. "Horatio...?"

He was going absolutely berserk. The sword was slammed from side to side, the eyes giving him a death glare of epic proportions. Stetler was now actually... scared. He was very scared for his life. If H kept this up, then he was screwed. He was going to be a dead man. This was absolutely... terrifying?

_WHAM!_ Suddenly, Horatio's weapon slammed into his sword, knocking it from his hand and sending him flying back. His body slammed into the sand, bouncing up and down momentarily. He looked up, and Horatio's weapon was right between his eyes. The master of water growled softly. "You've lost, Rick."

And he knew these words were true... for the moment.

He would return someday...

* * *

**-is a loser- Okay, so this wasn't my best. But this may happen some time in either "The Demon" or "The Angel." Thanks for reading, and feel free to review.**


	21. Boomerang

**Updates galore. I'm tired. Go away...**

**MAJOR Stetler OoCness. If you've seen Over the Hedge and watched Hammy's Boomerang Adventure, you'll get the pitiful references I'm making... 8D**

**Thanks for reviewing **speedfanatic05, Le Pecore Nere, EmilyProctorslittlegirl, Hope06, CSIBabs, PunkPrincess145, Carrro

* * *

21. Boomerang

_This stupid..._

Eric snickered. "Oh this is going to be the best prank ever."

"Shut up!" Ryan hissed, elbowing him in the ribs. "He's coming! Get down!" He pushed Eric's hand down even more. "And keep the camera down!"

Stetler's eyes narrowed suspiciously as he walked through the silent lab and crossed his arms. "Something weird is going on," he muttered to himself, standing in the hallway for a moment before walking towards Ryan and Eric's direction. "When I find those two CSIs, I'm going to..."

He stopped in mid-sentence, blinking and looking at the innocently-laying boomerang in the middle of the hall. His eyes widened as he looked around and picked it up. What Ryan and Eric got on tape was YouTube humor material.

Observe.

"Oh, boy!" he yelled happily, dancing around and waving the boomerang. "Look what I found! Dibs! It's mine! _It's mine!"_

He fingered the boomerang and grinned like a little six year old. Ryan stifled his mouth, resisting the urge to stamp his foot from laughing so hard. Stetler looked down at it and threw it in one direction, returning to his usual posture of prickly Internal Affairs sergeant and continued to walk down the hall. And what he didn't notice was the...

Too late.

_SMACK._

The boomerang smacked him in the head as he walked down the hallway. Turning around and swearing under his breath, he picked up the boomerang and examined it. Nothing that looked to be a tracking device or something.

Shrugging, he threw it backwards again and didn't walk two steps before getting hit once more. He grabbed the piece of wood and smacked it slightly. "You stop that!" he growled angrily.

Eric was having a hard time keeping the camera steady. Ryan kicked him in he shins. That shut him up.

He threw the boomerang once again and looked behind him, seeing it speed towards him. Ducking, Stetler pointed a finger and let out a "Ah-hah!" in triumph before once again, getting hit with the boomerang. "Ow. Damnit..."

Snarling softly, he threw it and immediately ducked as it passed his head. He snickered and watched as suddenly another one flew by him. He jumped... and again... and again... until he grabbed them and began throwing them in the other direction. Boomerang... boomerang... boomerang... beaker... iodide bottle... blea- "What the?" Rick spluttered, stopping his throwing.

_THWACK._

Once again, the boomerang hit him upside the head.

"This stupid...!" he suddenly screamed and pulled out a lighter. He walked over to the window and opened it, putting the boomerang outside and chuckling evilly. He opened the lighter and set one end of the wooden boomerang on fire and chucked it, watching it fly over the causeway.

Stetler nodded to himself and walked towards the end of the hall when suddenly _three_ boomerangs smacked him upside the head. Not one. Not two. _Three._

He looked around angrily, rubbing his head. "What the-?" he cursed animatedly.

Meanwhile Eric was on the floor and Ryan was now taping the whole thing. He looked at the lens and grinned. "What do you think? Should we tell him?"

He turned the camera towards the source of the boomerang thrower.

Horatio looked down at the box, pouting ever so slightly. "Aw come on. I've got three more left in the box!"

* * *

**More physical humor! Huzzah! 8D Okay, I can't update until Monday because I'm leaving for Wisconsin tomorrow. So, feel free to leave a review of ow you thought it was. Thanks for reading!**


	22. Condoms

**I updated again! And you know what? OVER 200 REVIEWS! -nearly dies- Oh my god you guys... HUG TIME!**

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**Chapter dedication to **Mac-a-lacka- **200th review!**

* * *

22. Condoms

_Ode to the bathroom._

"That was easier than I thought it would be," Natalia admitted, walking away from the photo center and proceeding to make her way towards the clearance aisle. "I mean, I knew it'd be easy and all, but..."

Calleigh smiled. "It's almost as if those types of places are becoming obsolete, huh? Funny. I never would have thought that going through the process of telling the counter boy these needed to be developed in the hour would be so hard."

The younger CSI sighed and rubbed her head, glancing down aisles. "Remind me again why we had to come here and not do it in the lab."

"The fact that the room is being used for drying clothing currently is enough to make us all really agitated. So Horatio suggested going to Walgreens today. No clue why, but I didn't complain. I think I know now why he's so ticked off."

Natalia smirked. "Yeah. Because Stetler decided to be a butthole and date someone he loves."

It was the truth. The Internal Affairs sergeant had just found out that Yelina Salas was back in Miami, Florida, and he had proceeded to take every opportunity possible to try and get her back on the good side of a relationship. No one was really happy about this- and by no one, I mean _everyone._ Horatio had made it a dark place to work whenever Stetler came in; he would "brood," in a sense. He'd also get very upset at the man whenever he showed up. And when Yelina was around, he was silent.

Silent or snappy. No one favored one over the other.

The younger CSI sighed in frustration. "Okay, I don't get it. How can the smaller things in the aisle cost more than the larger things?!"

Calleigh didn't answer. Natalia looked around, confused. "Cal? You okay?"

"What is he doing here?" the older woman whispered in disbelief. "Much less, down that aisle?!"

Natalia looked where the ballistics expert stood and nearly burst out into hysterical giggles. Rick Stetler was standing in the bathroom aisle, staring a the women's toiletry items with a bemused expression on his face. He glanced at the package of pads in his basket and looked up at the tampons and condoms. "I have no idea what brand she said she wanted!" he muttered in despair. "I got the pads, and I know the tampons, but the condoms... ugh!"

Calleigh put a hand over her mouth and coughed slightly, her eyes watering with tears of laughter. Natalia stared wide-eyed at the agent. "You're kidding."

Calleigh put a hand up and laughed finally. "Sir! Try the condoms on the fifth shelf!"

Stetler looked in their direction, not recognizing them at all. He smiled and nodded. "You've done this before, hmmm?"

"Many times!" she replied before walking away.

Stetler turned back to the shelves, grinning. "Maybe I could try my charm on one of them someday, if I ever see them again... wait a second." He looked at the package and looked at where Natalia was now standing. His face turned red. "Miss Boa Vista! Do you have a problem?"

"Yeah. I can't wait to see the look on Horatio's face when he finds out you're looking at female toiletries!"

His eyes widened. Oh god... she had to be kidding.

Natalia whipped out her phone and grinned. She snapped a picture of the stunned face Internal Affairs agent and laughed. "Oh, your face is priceless!" she cried.

"You get back here with that phone!" he roared, dropping the basket and chasing Natalia down the aisle.

* * *

**Hey, **Jag Lady **insisted on it. BLAME HER! XD Reviews are enjoyed! Thanks for reading!**


	23. Bathroom

**Hello there, fellow readers! -waves- It seems as if I am posting a great deal to this, huh? ;) Well, I get reviews, I give you more SSS! (Shining Stetler Stories. Lingo! XD) Sort of a 'sequel' to drabble 22: condoms.**

**Thanks for the kind reviews** FernClaw, lily moonlight, Jag Lady, speedfanatic05, Hope06, ComputerRejected, Wolfsong98, daxy, Punkrincess145, EmilyProctorslittlegirl, Mac-a-lacka, CSIBabs

* * *

23. Bathroom

_Not that he ever thought straight, but this..._

Oh, how embarrassing.

Stetler groaned and leaned against the elevator wall with one hand, silently praying that the doors would open at any moment. It was morning in the lab, and he, once again, had some unofficial business he needed to take care of. Not that it was top priority in the lab or in the office, but anything that had to deal with the CSIs came at the top of his list. Rick wasn't exactly what you would call... _fond_ of the team, and he wanted this over with as quickly as possible.

As soon as he found a bathroom.

As so happens most mornings, Stetler had discovered that he had too much caffeine once again. His typical drink(s) consisted of a cup of black coffee and an Amp. Why two very different contrasts? Because they were both within his reach- in both paycheck _and_ arms' length. He clenched his fingers, closing his eyes and snarling softly. "I really need to learn to not have so much of that stuff in the morning," he mumbled.

The doors opened, and out came the Internal Affairs sergeant like a bullet, crushing his can of Amp and bolting down the hallway, passing a surprised Horatio and bemused Natalia, who merely flipped open her phone and snickered to herself. "Sir?"

"By all means, Miss Boa Vista. I wish to see where this is going."

* * *

It wasn't only Natalia that ended up getting a surprise in the bathroom that morning. Another female lab tech was in for an ugly realization when she walked out of her stall. The sound of a male sigh was enough to bring her out of her gaze when she saw Stetler bolt through the door and slam it shut with as much force as he could muser. She screamed and bolted out of the room, raying to some deity that revenge would be taken upon his poor soul.

Maxine Valera nearly knocked over Natalia and pointed to the women's bathroom, a look of terror in her eyes. The CSI looked confused and tried to get at least one coherent word of the distraught woman. "Valera? You okay?"

Finally, the woman shrieked, "_THERE IS A MAN IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM!"_

It didn't take a genius to figure out who had ever-so-clumsily rushed headlong into a stall and had forgotten to even look at the sign to which room was which. Natalia slapped her head and groaned. "Lemmie guess- internal Affairs man, mid-forties, brunette who can't tell chicken from tuna?"

Okay, so even that was a little harsh. But still, this was _Stetler_ we were talking about.

* * *

Stetler finished washing his hands and sighed with relief. Finally, some peace and quiet and love and serenity.

Now, onto business.

He opened the door and... dozens of camera phones were out once again and laughing was heard as well. Stetler stared at them in bewilderment and was about to make a rather snide comment before... "Rick. Next time you go into the ladies' room, I suggest you _knock_ before you barge in and scare Miss Valera. Understand?"

Slowly he turned around and swallowed...

...and screamed like a girl. The woman's sign mocked him as his face turned a deep shade of red.

Valera laughed slightly, shaking from her encounter with the third kind. "You're right, Horatio. Maybe he should go in there more often. After all... he's got a nice high pitched scream."

He just kept on turning red.

* * *

**No comment except for the fact that reviews are enjoyed. -points at **Jag Lady-** Inspiration comes standard.**


	24. Blanket

**Random thought for today: go scream incoherently!**

**Thanks for reviewing** FernClaw, speedfanatic05, daxy, EverythingIsConnected, lily moonlight, Jag Lady, PunkPrincess145, EmilyProctorslittlegirl, Wolfsong98, CSIBabs, Hope06, Mac-a-lacka, Le Pecore Nere

* * *

24. Blanket

_Aw, look at him!_

The lab was not one of the more comfortable places to sleep, and Stetler knew he was going to have to do some work in there for some CSIs. Yes, it would be a nightmare, but if it got him higher on the goodness list with the chief, then so be it. Sometimes, to get what you want, you have to do things you _don't_ want to do, and this was one of those times.

Now, the Internal Affairs sergeant wasn't one for sleeping without something covering his upper torso. It is one of the more stupid things ever known to man, but it was the honest truth. Stetler needed a blanket. And this was one of the rare occasions the chief had allowed blankets into the lab. No one was quite sure why, but there was a running rumor that Stetler was seriously beginning to grate his nerves. And it wasn't because of Horatio Caine's continual complaints to him.

Right?

Even I don't know that one.

All the same, he had found a chair somewhere out in the hall, pulling a sorry substitute for a blanket- a towel- over his body, closing his eyes. It was now around four in the morning, and almost everyone had gone home. It appeared that he was the only one left, trying to pull some sort of double duty thing.

And unconsciously, for the first time in many years, his thumb subtly slipped into his mouth.

* * *

Horatio allowed the doors to open, stifling a yawn and stepping into the halls of the empty crime lab. It was his time to make sure everything was up and running, and all he had been told was that there was a lab tech that ad stayed he night to work on the case. Now, he had expected perhaps Valera or Barrish to be the people they were talking about. They had never stayed late before, so why were they doing it now?

The moment he entered the hallway, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry or scream.

He only knew to get the image on a camera or something. Sighing and realizing he was probably using up more camera memory than he needed to, Horatio looked around and smiled to himself. "Now if only 'Poofy' was around," he snickered, snapping the picture and walking away to do his duties.

It was only a picture, but by the time everyone was in the office, they all had new backgrounds to show off to one another. And it was of a certain Internal Affairs agent with his thumb in his mouth and sucking peacefully.

Stetler's face, once again, turned red. "You really know how to screw me over, huh?"

Horatio grinned. "I even sent one to the Chief for you."

_"EXCUSE ME?!"_

It took ten people to hold back the sergeant as Horatio stood there with an amused expression on his face. "You looked really cute with a towel over your body. I nearly laughed."

A loud scream erupted from the office, and many heads turned in the direction of the voice.

* * *

**Here's another one. Challenge me, please! I'm running out of ideas! And feel free to review.**


	25. Pennies

**Going down the line with ideas, ladies and gents- first up is **lily moonlight** with a one-shot!**

**Thanks for reviewing** Jag Lady, daxy, FernClaw, lily moonlight, Mac-a-lacka, CSIBabs, Hope06, speedfanatic05, EverythingIsConnected, PunkPrincess145, EmilyProctorslittlegirl, Le Pecore Nere, paperback-romance, Shana

* * *

25. Pennies

_Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle... rip._

"Three guess at to who is doing that annoying sound in the hall," Dan mumbled under his breath, glancing at the open door and scowling.

Calleigh rolled his eyes. "Internal Affairs just _had_ to poke their noses around the place, didn't they?"

The A/V tech raised an eyebrow, turning back to his computer screen and typing in some things. "You who went out with him a couple of years ago..."

The ballistics expert shot him a nasty look. She still hadn't gotten over the blind date that Horatio decided to set her up for. Deep down, it rang as one of his not-so-fine moments in the lab. She unconsciously touched her hair as she spoke. "That was a number of years ago, Dan. I refuse to remember that incident... and how did you find out?"

"Word gets around here really fast."

She groaned and watched Stetler walk around rather awkwardly. "You have any idea _why_ he's here?"

Dan shrugged. "Nope. Although judging by the new rumors running around here, the guy's apparently miffed at the fact none of the new vending machines take dollar bills. And you know what happens when you mix sweat, summer, and Stetler."

"Bad things," Calleigh answered, shaking her head.

Suddenly, the A/V tech got a glint in his eyes. "That's it. I've got an idea. You know that jingling? I've got a good plan to get him to go away for a good few weeks. Got any pennies lying around?"

The woman's mouth slowly morphed into a smile. "Dan..."

* * *

He grumbled under his breath, getting strange looks from lab techs and shooting them daggers in return. This was so... so horrible! Nothing worked in the summer, and today, it just so happened to be the vending machines. Stetler disliked coming to the lab, but why summer? _Why summer_ when everyone was ticked off at the world and the Miami heat?

God must've hated him. And everyone else probably did too.

Calleigh walked around the corner of the hallway, keeping a straight face and coolly acknowledging the agent with a nod. "Stetler."

"Miss Duquesne," he replied, returning the gesture with as much professionalism as he could muster.

She looked at him mildly. "Sir, the vending machines don't seem to accept bills. But I think I might've been able to figure out a way to get a drink. However... it's going to require a favor."

The man narrowed his eyes. "Favor?"

The woman sighed. "Could you hold these for me in your pocket, sir?" she inquired sweetly in her natural Southern drawl.

His jaw nearly dropped at the sight of the bag of pennies in her hand. Something was wrong... but if holding these pennies meant getting a drink, then so be it. Besides, the water here tasted of copper anyways.

Sighing and knowing he was once again going to be te laughing stock of the lab, Stetler took the bag of pennies and put them into his pocket. He walked no more than five steps when suddenly...

_RIIIIIP!_

The seam in his pants split, and suddenly, the agent felt pennies sliding down his leg and trickling down into his shoe ever so slightly. Even better, the seam of his pants suddenly split once _again..._ except this time, it exposed his entire left leg. It was blatantly obvious he was still a child at heart at the sight of his boxers- Spongebob Squarepants.

Dan had tears of laughter running down his face, and Calleigh, too, was laughing. The A/V tech wiped his eyes, still giggling. "Man, that was a good one, Cal!"

Stetler looked up. A rush of cold air overtook his body.

"Feeling a draft, Rick?" Calleigh quipped.

"YES!" he snarled in return. "No thanks to you two!"

Dan merely grinned. "You're welcome, sir."

* * *

**I was so mad they made Dan an evil guy in the season, I decided to give him some justice to his character. And I threw in some DanCal friendship. Reviews are enjoyed. 25 chapters done! More to come soon enough!**


	26. Always

**An update? HUZZAH! And it's short. Short, but hopefully makes you nearly die laughing.**

**Stetler's POV. Oh-emm-gee!**

**Thanks for the kind reviews** FernClaw, lily moonlight, cabot007, Jag Lady, paperback-romance, Hope06, Mac-a-lacka, EverythingIsConnected, daxy, PunkPrincess145, EmilyProctorslittlegirl, Le Pecore Nere, speedfanatic05, CSIBabs

* * *

26. Always

_"What, are you an idiot, Stetler?"_

This isn't a pretty story. This is stupidity at its lowest level.

I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed- or felt more _stupid-_ in my entire life. Kind of depressing, actually.

Horatio and I were at work once again, and I was in a foul mood. He was in a foul mood, too. Bad things usually tend to happen when we see each other in the hallways, in the first place. But when you've got two very ticked off enemies at each other, _terrifying_ things will happen. I'm not even kidding.

In fact, I'm not even sure how this conversation about my writing and spelling got started. But that's not the point.

Anyways, Horatio was snooping around my desk area and came across a resume I had filled out for transferring here into the lab. And from the recent reports people have told me, he's a freakin' grammar Nazi. It's not funny. I know you're giggling about this, so shut up. I'm not even to the good part yet.

So, our little get together went something like this.

Horatio took the piece of paper and examined it, chewing his lip thoughtfully and mumbling to himself. "Rick, what's the 'I-before-E' rule?"

I gave him a blank glare. "Um... I before E..." I put two thumbs up. "...always!"

The lieutenant gave me a look of disbelief. "What, are you an idiot, Stetler?"

Mind you, I did grow up on a farm and had a pet cow once. So, I decided to play farm boy. I gave him a toothy grin. "Apparently!" I snickered in a nice southern drawl. Miss Duquesne would've been proud.

Horatio gave me a really nasty look. "No, Rick, it's I before E _except_ after C- and when sounding like A is a neighbor in way, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May..." Finally, he blew his top at me. "...and you'll always be wrong no matter _WHAT_ you say!"

That hurt. I blinked and took the paper from him. "That's a hard rule," I mumbled, scanning the page fearfully. "That's a... that's a rough rule!"

And that was the day I learned I before E is _not_ always, except after C.

Horatio can be real subtle sometimes.

* * *

**Had to do it. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Go look up "Naruto: Stupid in School" on YouTube, the third one down. It's awesome. This was part one. Part two and three are intertwined between challenges. Reviews are enjoyed. Thanks for reading!**


	27. Quarters

**All right, guys. I might do more angst tonight... _might._ But first, let's insult Stetler some more!**

**Challenge by **lily moonlight

**Thanks for the awesome reviews** FernClaw, Jag Lady, Hope06, lily moonlight, speedfanatic05, CSIBabs, Mac-a-lacka, daxy, EverythingIsConnected, PunkPrincess145, Le Pecore Nere, CSI Junkie Aly

* * *

27. Quarters

_This wasn't what he had in mind for the pie..._

Eric set the pie on the counter, grinning as Horatio raised an eyebrow in his direction. "Explain to me why you brought in a pie for the lab again, Eric."

"It's a treat. I baked one last night, and I didn't feel like just splitting it between Calleigh and myself. It's way more fun if you share with a whole bunch of people instead of splitting it between some two people at the table," the CSI admitted, beginning to rummage through the cabinet in search of a knife. "Calleigh didn't think I could cook, but I proved her wrong."

The lieutenant smiled at his response and turned towards the glass. His heart plummeted what seemed to be ten stories. Stetler stood outside the room, eyeing the dessert with as little lust as he possibly could. It was plaintive, though, that he wanted a bite to eat of the pie. Horatio gritted his teeth and let out a sigh of forced calm. "I'd keep watch over that pie, Eric," he muttered before walking over to the door and opening it. "Rick, are you going to start slobbering all over the window?"

Stetler shot Horatio a glare. "I'm eyeing his dessert. Is there a problem with that?"

"You can clean the window when you're finished drooling all over it," he replied, gesturing to Eric. "Come on. We can go and get the others for pie."

Eric nodded, casting a suspicious glance at Stetler, who merely watched them go by with an annoyed look on his face. It had to be a plot. They had to be conspiring against him that had to do with the pie in there.

The really tasty pie in there...

With whipped creme on top...

That did it.

Sneaking inside and shutting the door, locking it as well, Stetler proceeded in finding the knife Delko was attempting to search for and cut the pie into some nice quarter pieces. They were all near perfect, considering the fact that he had a terrible time with a blender quite a few weeks ago. But his luck didn't last.

Moments later, he swore angrily and stared at his finger. How the _hell_ had he managed to cut a cut with a plastic butter knife?

_Plastic._

Oh, well. It wasn't that bad of a cut.

Footsteps were heard outside the door, and Stetler looked down at the pie. He'd have a piece as a snack for later... maybe some for dinner time... oh, and a midnight snack. The man grinned, placing three of the quarter pieces into a bag. He looked around and sighed in relief, opening the door and making his way back to the elevator, pushing the button and stepping inside as the doors opened. "I got it!" he whispered in triumph. "I got the pie!"

"What pie?"

Stetler froze. Natalia Boa Vista's voice sounded eager right behind him as the doors shut. "I want pie. Where's the pie? In the bag?"

This was _not_ going to end well.

* * *

The doors opened to the downstairs, and Natalia's phone rung. She piked it up, smirking. "Boa Vista... Yep, I got what I wanted. It's coming right back up to you, Horatio!"

_"Thank you, Natalia. How much is left?"_

"Two quarters of what he tried to steal."

The doors shut once again, and Natalia turned to the IAB agent. "Stealing's a crime, Rick."

The man said nothing as pie covered what seemed to be half his face. He thrust the bag into Natalia's hand. "Not funny, Boa Vista. Take your pie and go away from me."

"Not before this," she replied, snapping a picture and racing to the stairs.

He simply stood there, fuming. "Stupid pie..."

* * *

**I'm hungry... XD. I'm 17, and I still like anime. Found this awesome show on YouTube: Demashitaa! Powerpuff Girls Z . I've got no life... Thanks for reading!**


	28. Odor

**Sorry for not being on here for a while.** Recapitulation **isn't going so well right now, and well... -headdesk- Ugh. Finals are coming, it was an emotional day because out principal is retiring, seniors' last day... here's something light for you all.**

**Challenge by** Mac-a-lacka

**Thanks for the reviews** lily moonlight, Jag Lady, Mac-a-lacka, CSI Junkie Aly, Le Pecore Nere, EverythingIsConnected, Hope06, speedfanatic05, PunkPrincess145, daxy, CSIBabs

* * *

28. Odor

_That most definitely wasn't the bathroom._

"Horatio! The bathrooms in this place smell absolutely disgusting!"

The lieutenant winced as Marisol's voice carried over the buzzing in the lab. She sounded extremely annoyed at the fact that she was going in the upstairs rooms instead of making her way to the elevator and going downstairs. Sighing, he walked over to where the younger woman stood and looked down at the floor slightly. "What exactly is the problem with them?"

She pointed backwards with her thumb, wrinkling her nose. "I already told you. They smell like... like crap, to say the least."

Horatio tilted his head. The last time the bathrooms had smelled horrible was when Stetler had complained about them a couple of months ago, and that had resulted in a pillow fight in the hallway. But this was Marisol complaining, and he was genuinely concerned about her well being. The man gave a small smile and nodded slightly in Mari's direction. "Was there... anyone else in there besides you?"

Marisol frowned for a moment before nodding slowly. "Yes... yes, there was."

The man sighed and rubbed his eyes with two fingers before looking at the door. "I'll be right back, Marisol."

The woman watched in astonishment as the redhead pushed open the door to the ladies' room and allowed it to swing shut gently behind him. There was some loud conversation heard from behind the door, and suddenly Horatio swung it open, pointing with his index finger and looking extremely aggravated. "What is your problem?"

"Can you not let a man to to the bathroom in peace?!" a familiar voice yelled back in frustration.

"When he's in the women's for... a _third_ time? Then no. I can't."

Marisol heard a raucous laugh. "I am not in the women's bathroom, Horatio...! Am I?"

The man gestured to the outside. "See for yourself."

Stetler made a face for a moment before stepping outside and looking at the sign. His eyes widened, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. He let out a loud swear that got many surprised and annoyed glances and turned to Horatio and to the young woman, who looked disgusted. "And why didn't you tell me this before?!"

Horatio ignored Stetler completely. "Marisol- were you smelling man in the bathroom?"

The wife turned slightly green and put her hand over her mouth. "Maybe," she managed to sputter out. "Horatio, can I leave please?"

He nodded, feeling a twinge bit sick himself. He closed his eyes and turned away from the man. "And for the record, Rick- a bit of deodorant doesn't hurt every so often, either."

Stetler's jaw dropped. "I use it!"

Marisol couldn't help but offer a quip to this as she strode away from the scene. "Not enough, apparently."

* * *

**I'm so evil... Marisol gets some love in this. STUPID WRITERS... -fumes- Anyways, I'm aiming for 50-60 chapters by the time August rolls around, so if you want to help me along the way, go ahead. Reviews are nice. Thanks for reading!**


	29. Frogs

**SCHOOL'S FINALLY OUT! -cheers-**

**Challenge by **EmilyProctorslittlegirl

**Thanks for the reviews** Hope06, CSIBabs, Jag Lady, EmilyProctorslittlegirl, Mac-a-lacka, paperback-romance, daxy, EverythingIsConnected, lily moonlight, PunkPrincess145, CSI Junkie Aly, Le Pecore Nere

* * *

29. Frogs

_Meet your newest fear!_

"You do realize we're totally getting our butts in trouble, right?" Eric told Ryan softly, looking down at the box in his hands and cringing slightly. "If Stetler finds out what we're doing, we are _so_ fired."

Ryan snickered softly, holding the keys to the vehicle and unlocking the door. "So we get in a bit of trouble. Stetler didn't find out about the boomerangs, did he? And if that didn't get us busted, I don't know what will." He held out his hands, and Eric gave him the box. "We plant this in his car, add heat, and presto! Instant Internal Affairs fun!"

The Hispanic moaned softly. "This isn't going to end well. I just know it's not going to at all."

"Quit being a baby," Ryan chided softly. "Let's get this frog into the car and get out of here before he shows up."

Eric sighed and shut the door, locking the car and rubbing his fingers through his hair. Summer time had arrived, and it seemed to be international "Play A Prank on Stetler" Year or something. Indeed, the man enjoyed making Stetler's life miserable after the whole marijuana incident, but planting a frog in the man's car seemed to be a bit much... kind of. He was fine with filming boomerangs and such, and heck. He had even suggested the incident. But he couldn't help but feel foreboding as he climbed the steps to the lab and watched Stetler exit the building.

The man's face had anger written all over it as he glared at Eric, who innocently held his keys out to him. Stetler snatched them out of his hand, his eyes shooting daggers. "What are you doing with my keys, Delko?"

Eric pulled a confused face as best as he could. "I thought those were my keys on the table. Honestly."

Stetler merely grunted in reply and walked to his car, mumbling about how CSIs could find evidence at a crime scene, yet they could mistaken their car keys for someone else's. A loud beeping was heard, and the car door unlocked. Eric smacked himself as Ryan watched in amusement, hiding his presence by staring at his phone and seemingly texting. They could have just hit the button. The could have hit the unlock button. Eric was going to kill Ryan for that.

But the next moment, he knew he didn't have to.

Stetler opened the car door and blinked at the sight of the box. He took the note off the top of it and slowly, a smile unfurled on his features. He slipped in a finger and opened the letter, reading it with wide eyes aloud to himself. _"Rick- I know we've had some hard times together, but I wanted to reconcile our differences. Please accept this gift as a token of our relationship. Yelina."_ He giggled slightly and opened the box, the giggle turning into a shriek.

A frog sat in the box patiently, giving Stetler what was a pretty decent imitation of Bambi eyes. It croaked slightly. _"Ribbit."_

_"Get it away from me!"_ he screamed, dropping the box and watching the frog jump out and croak again. "_Oh, my god!"_

Eric failed in turning his laugh into a cough. Ryan was nearly doubled over in laughter. Stetler was running up the steps, the frog hopping behind him obediently. _"Ribbit."_

Ryan managed to gasp out, "It thinks you're its mother!"

Eric wiped his eyes. "And I can why."

_"SHUT UP!"_ Stetler roared.

* * *

**All right, gang. Here's the lowdown- summer has arrived, and all of you know I want to get this finished by the end of the year. So why don't we say I pull some one-shots out of a hat by your insistence. Every 11- yes, 11- reviews I get, I will attempt to put out a new one-shot. More reviews equal more updates. Win-win. I think.**


	30. Plural

**Okay, okay, I get it. XD Here's another chapter. Part 2 of the "Stupid in School" parody. Part 1 is '26. Always.'**

**First person POV from Stetler. Again!**

**Thanks for reviewing** Hope06, FernClaw, Jag Lady, speedfanatic05, daxy, PunkPrincess145, EverythingIsConnected, Mac-a-lacka, CSIBabs, lily moonlight, night shadows, CSI Junkie Aly, EmilyProctorslittlegirl

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30. Plural

_On weekends and holidays and..._

So the whole 'i-before-e' rule went away around three weeks after the incident actually _happened._ Talk about embarrassing. Everywhere I went, I'd be pointed at and stuff, and it annoyed the crap out of me. Well, unfortunately for me, Horatio decided to think I was stupider than a _sheep_ a while after the whole thing.

So he pulled me over on the way to a big conference with the chief about sexual harassment. I was in a pretty decent mood and everything, so I was being friendly and everything. We made some small talk and laughed for a moment about a stupid incident from high school that involved me. Don't ask.

He gave me a serious look later on and out of the blue... "Stetler, how do you make a word a plural?"

I gave him an incredulous look. "You put a S. You put a S at the end of it."

"When?"

Oh, for the love of god. I sighed and smirked, using his own words. "On _weekends_ and _holidays_ and..."

Horatio raised an eyebrow and looked at Natalia Boa Vista. She's smart and kind of cute, if I do say so myself. I haven't hit on her yet, and that's probably one of the best decisions in my life. Anyways, Horatio shook his head and motioned her over. "No, Rick, no. Let me show you."

Now, Boa Vista knew _everything._ I think.

"Natalia, let me ask you something. What is the plural for 'ox'?"

She looked confused for a moment before replying, "Oxen. Why?"

Horatio turned to me. "Rick?"

"What?" I snickered. Why I laughed, I can't remember for the life of me now.

"Rick, what is the plural for 'box'?"

I smirked and cocked my head. Oh, this was easy. "Boxen."

The whole conversation screeched to a halt. Horatio blinked and stared at me with those sky blue eyes of him, forcing back what I thought was going to be a jaw drop of surprise. Natalia, on the other hand, was stamping her foot on the tile, covering her mouth with her hand in an attempt to stop laughing. I shrugged. "It makes sense! C'mon- I bought two boxen of doughnuts!" This only got more guffawing from Natalia and the crack of a smile from Horatio.

The lieutenant shook his head. "No, Rick. Let's try another one. Natalia, what is the plural for goose?"

Clearly, Boa Vista was getting a kick out of this. "Geese," she managed to choke out. "As in, I saw a flock of geese."

What were they still snickering at? Horatio turned to me. "Rick?"

"What?"

"Rick, what is the plural for _moose?"_

Now, before I say a thing, you all are probably going to think that I would say _meese._ Yes, I know. It's pretty typical to say that in the English language if you're not native to the States. You will be happy to hear that I didn't say _meese._

I took a deep breath. "Moosen!"

Silence.

"I saw a flock of moosen!"

Horatio looked baffled. Natalia nearly clutched her side laughing. Now I was getting really annoyed at her. "There are many of them, many much moosen! Out in the woods, in the wood-es, in the woodsen!"

I think I saw a part of Natalia's brain short out then.

"The meese wanten the food! Food is to eatenisit! The meese wanten the food in a woodingisit! And the food in a woodenisit!"

Natalia clutched the wall for side support. Horatio put up a hand, closing his eyes in despair. "Rick... Rick..."

I stopped ranting for a moment.

"You're an imbecile."

My jaw dropped open. That did it. I was not in a happy mood anymore. "Imbecilen!"

Horatio looked ready to smack his head into a wall of plaster for a split second. "What, are you speaking German, Rick?!"

"German..." My mind raced. "Germain! Germain... JACKSON! Jackson 5! Tito!"

Natalia stared at me. "Rick, what the hell are you talking about?!"

And suddenly, the whole lesson stopped right there. I opened my mouth, waiting for a good explanation to come, but nothing did. My mouth shut after a few minutes and I glanced at both of them. "I dunno. I dunno, really..." Muttering an apology after that, I rushed off to the conference room and burst into the room, feeling my face flush.

Another day, another stupid lesson at my 'school.'

* * *

**YES, IT WAS MEANT TO BE SPELLED LIKE THAT. Don't get on my case please. I'm only doing it how he says here. Let's see here... 11 again? Or 10 this time around? I dunno. Thanks for reading.**


	31. Sanitizer

**Here. Have a drabble.**

**Challenge by** Jag Lady

**Thanks for reviewing** FernClaw, Hope06, speedfanatic05, lily moonlight, daxy, Jag Lady, CSI Junkie Aly, Mac-a-lacka, EverythingIsConnected, Wolfsong98, Mera1506, PunkPrincess145, CSIBabs

* * *

31. Sanitizer

_She had left it in the lounge. That morning. With Stetler._

Alexx sighed and looked down at her hands, a moan escaping from her lips. It had nearly slipped her mind that today was April Fools' Day, and she was in the morgue, about to examine the body of a male who had apparently fallen headfirst into the water over a bridge. No one was saying whether or not it was an accident, but the ME knew this was no laughing matter when it came to death. As she began her autopsy on Jonathan Wright, her cell phone rang, and she glanced down at the caller ID, smiling to herself. She flipped it open. "Eric. Are you okay?" Silence. "What do you mean by an April Fools' Day prank? You wanna pull one on who?"

Silence.

"You're disgusting. You expect me to help with that? No way. Not going to happen."

Silence.

The woman looked down at the body and shook her head in exasperation. "If I'm left out in the wind for this, your butt is going to be on my table, Eric. Do you hear me?" She shut her phone and looked down at Jonathan for a moment, stroking his hair with a gloved hand. "I'll be right back, Jon. Just give me a few minutes, and we can see who pulled this not-so-funny prank on you."

She pulled her gloves off and put them in the trash can, running off to the lounge.

Eric was already waiting for here when she showed up. He had something hidden behind his back as she walked up, an innocent smile playing on his features. Alexx raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms, doing her best to look both motherly and curious. "Eric, what in the world are you hiding behind your back?"

"Our prank from the lab to Stetler," he replied gleefully, opening up the door to the lounge for her. "C'mon- I'll tell you more when we get inside."

Once the duo had stepped inside, Eric pulled out a bottle of hand sanitizer from his behind his back and smirked at the look of horror in Alexx's eyes. "Aw, come on, Alex. It's not that harmful. You know he uses a knife to spread the stuff. And besides, it looks like grape jelly. He won't know the difference... I hope."

Alexx crossed her arms. "You can be so disgusting. That stuff may very well kill him."

Eric's eyes flickered for a moment before he finally grinned again. "That's overdosing. I've watched Stetler- usually, he spreads a supremely thin layer on his toast in the morning."

"He eats at work?"

He shrugged. "On occasion. I'll just leave it here and we can watch the fun from the table. Coffee's on me."

* * *

"Have any of you seen any jelly lying around here?" a familiar voice inquired from outside the hallway, looking in.

Eric shrugged and took a drink of his coffee. He glanced at Alexx and raised an eyebrow at the IAB agent. "I'm not sure. But we saw a new thing of jelly here on the counter. Would it be yours or something?"

Stetler stepped inside and blinked. "I dunno. But hey. If it's jelly for my toast, then what the heck? I'll have some." He grabbed the bottle and flipped it over, squeezing a little bit onto his piece of toast from downstairs. He noticed Alexx's grimace and raised an eyebrow. "What? You never have jelly on your toast?"

"I'm more of a butter person myself," she managed to reply, looking down at her coffee.

The man merely sighed and spread the thin layer over the piece of bread. Eric nearly snorted on his coffee. Alexx turned away as he put the piece of bread in his mouth.

Seconds later, the room was practically covered in bread pieces and hand sanitizer- or 'jelly.' Stetler had grabbed a napkin and was now proceeding in trying to get as much of the substance off his tongue as possible. Alexx was smiling secretly to herself, and Eric's smile was for all to see. Stetler glared at the two CSIs. "What the heck?!"

"April Fools!" Eric laughed, standing up and smirking with Alexx. "Have a great rest of the day!"

Chairs were overturned, and voices were heard shrieking as Eric and Alexx ran out of the lounge, Stetler throwing the bottle of sanitizer in their direction. Alexx shook her head. "You really have a horrible sense of humor, Eric."

"And so do you!" Stetler hollered, spitting towards the floor.

* * *

**Poor man. Food and poking and injuries... I should maybe do something NICE to him... reviews are love. Typical goal of reviews- 11! Thanks for reading!**


	32. Shaving Cream

**Oh, man. Classic act coming your way.**

**Challenge by** Jag Lady

**Thanks for reviewing** daxy, EverythingIsConnected, Scifirogue Kane, lily moonlight, Hope06, Jag Lady, Mac-a-lacka, CSI Junkie Aly, speedfanatic05, paperback-romance, Wolfsong98, PunkPrincess145, CSIBabs, FernClaw

* * *

32. Shaving Cream

_Instant fun. Just add CSIs and a feather._

Ray Jr's face was pressed against the glass pane, his hand making fingerprints on it as he watched Stetler on the couch in the lounge once again. Natalia's arms were crossed as she scowled at the sight of the man sleeping on the job. She crouched down next to Ray and sighed. "Do you have any idea when's he's going to wake up?" she asked, a hint of exasperation in her tone.

The boy shook his head. "No idea. I'm getting bored just watching him, but Horatio told me if I watched him for an hour-and-a-half and he didn't wake up, I'd get to go to Dairy Cream tonight."

The woman chuckled. "Ray, he's been asleep for nearly two hours. I'll go and tell your uncle about Rick's sleeping habits, 'mkay?"

"Can I ask you something?" he asked, his tone now a bit more serious.

Natalia looked at him. He held a feather in his hand. "Where'd you get that?"

Ray giggled slightly. "Mom told me I could have it when I left the house. I don't know why, but she told me to put it to good use. I dunno what to use this feather for, Natalia. Can you help me figure out a way to use it before Mom picks me up at Uncle Horatio's later?"

The woman pursed her lips in thought. Someone younger than her had never asked her this question before in her life. An idea suddenly struck her, and she gave the boy a smile. "I have a good idea for that feather of yours," she told him, gesturing him to a room with various closet items. "Have you ever heard about the tickling the nose with the feather trick?"

* * *

"So, what are we going to do?" he whispered, giggling slightly at the sight at the shaving cream can in Natalia's hand.

She put her finger to her lips and sprayed on some shaving cream onto Rick's hand. (Thank god for them he was a heavy sleeper) Within approximately a minute, there was a pile of shaving cream in his hand measured to be around six inches high. Ray was trying so hard to cover his mouth and stop laughing. Natalia motioned him over and smiled slightly. "Okay, what you have to do now, Ray, is tickle his nose with the feather."

The boy looked at her confusedly. "Why his nose?"

"Trust me."

Shrugging, the boy leaned over Rick's body and proceeded to dust the feather over his nose. There was a grunt from the Internal Affairs agent when suddenly his hand slowly moved, and he tried to brush away the feather. Shaving cream smeared all over his cheeks and eyelids. Ray ran out of the room and shut the door with Natalia in close pursuit. Suddenly, the duo burst out laughing. Ray held up his feather in triumph. "We win!" he crowed.

Natalia had to agree. "That was actually really fun to do. We should do more stuff together."

"You wanna come with us to Dairy Cream tonight?" he asked hopefully.

A broad smile unfurled on the CSI's lips as she watched Stetler unknowing wipe the shaving cream on his shirt. "If your uncle agrees, Ray, it would definitely be my pleasure."

* * *

**Happy father's day everyone! Enjoy!**


	33. Donut

**So it's short. Sorry. Getting back into a slight groove here.**

**Implied challenge from my Yahoo CSI: Miami group. Person who issued it is **Dorothy.

**Thanks for those reviews** lily moonlight, daxy, CSI Junkie Aly, Hope06, speedfanatic05, Jag Lady, Mac-a-lacka, CSIBabs, BobbyGoren14, EverythingIsConnected, PunkPrincess145, Le Pecore Nere

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33. Donut

_Keep away from the sugar._

Yeah, sure. International Donut Day, and Stetler couldn't even get near the boxes upon boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts that were laid out in front of him. Powdered, frosted, crème-filled- if Stetler had a choice, he probably would have take the frosted one. Chocolate frosting with sprinkles- it was one of his guilty pleasure favorites. And nearly every single one was gone.

As he walked into the longue while everyone finished their doughnuts, he spotted another person who was eyeing the piece of food with as much saliva forming in their mouth as forming in Stetler's. Frank Tripp was seemingly ready to make a dive for the piece of food. In fact, he was already giving Stetler a wary glare of worry. He swallowed. _'I've got to get to that donut and FAST,'_ he thought. _'Or Tripp is going to get that before me.'_

He moved out of the people's way and licked his lips, watching the Texan cop mimic him. There was no way in hell that man was getting his stubby fingers on the food in front of him. Stetler cracked his fingers and continued to move towards the donut.

And besides, everyone had told him that they would leave him a donut this time around. They all promised him. And he believed them, figuring they had all turned over a new leaf. Maybe they could start being nice to him for a change.

He reached the counter and looked at the donut just as Frank picked it up. His jaw dropped in surprised anger as the other man took a bite out of it. "W-w-what the hell?! That's _my_ donut, Tripp!"

"It's not anymore," he drawled, shrugging his shoulders. "Unless, of course, you wanna try and take some food from a cop. Much less, a Texan cop."

Stetler pointed to the sugary piece of food. "Hello?! Everyone said that was _mine,_ Tripp. The donut was _mine to eat._ What part of 'my donut' do you not understand?"

Frank smirked. "It didn't have your name on it in permanent ink, did it? And remember what I once said, Stetler?"

The IAB agent winced at the memory and mumbled under his breath the exact words Frank had once told him. "_Next time you see that donut, it'll be gone."_

He snapped out of his trance and suddenly blinked in astonishment. The donut had disappeared and Frank was finishing in wiping his hands off with a napkin, smirking. "I told you, Rick- it'll be gone."

"This isn't fair! I had my eyes on the donut!" he fumed, pointing a finger at the cop.

Frank shrugged. "Life ain't fair, Rick. Deal with it."

As he left the room, Stetler couldn't help but think sarcastically, _'I guess it's true- cops and donuts do go together like in those tv shows…'_

* * *

**I know, I know- WHAT IS THIS PIECE OF –BLEEP-?! It's called a drabble. And don't get mad at me about it. I've been in a rough spot the last few days.**


	34. Telephone

**ARGH! I haven't updated in days!**

**Thanks for reviewing **speedfanatic05, FernClaw, lily moonlight, Le Pecore Nere, Mac-a-lacka, Jag Lady, Hope06, CSI Aly, PunkPrincess145, CSIBabs, Nabbeena, LadySmithCaine

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34. Telephone

_Definitely worth the quarter. -Garfield_

Horatio snickered. This joke had been _all_ his idea. He had gotten it from a cartoon strip and had really wanted to try it for himself. The lab had been busy for a majority of the day, but right now, there was a bit of lull in the activity. And frankly, the snooping around of fellow IA agent Stetler was kind of giving him a headache. He had been intruding on everyone's responsibilities and mainly giving a great deal of his coworker a hard time on the job today, and Horatio wasn't in the mood anymore for his dealings. After he had rambled to Natalia about her eating on the job, he had gotten the wonderful idea of pulling another prank on Rick.

Quietly, he went into the lounge and pulled out a banana from the cabinet. Alexx had been kind enough to restock the lace yesterday full of food for the group. It wasn't very often when there was fruit inside the place, but Horatio was grateful for Alexx's extra efforts yesterday. It was going to be able to help in his endeavor to make today a day Sergeant Stetler wouldn't forget.

Grinning, Horatio took the banana to the front of the lab and looked at the receptionist, nodding his head. The woman cocked her own head in disbelief and crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow. "What do you plan on doing, Lieutenant?" she whispered.

"Get Stetler out of your hair, Liz" he admitted softly. "I need you to make sure he doesn't come around the corner for a couple of seconds."

Giving a smile all her own, Liz moved out of the way and nodded to Natalia, who stood at the front the room as well and watched her boss with piqued curiosity. "What are you doing, Horatio?" she asked.

He smiled in her direction and peeled the banana, taking a phone of the hook and setting it down behind the desk. "A favor."

Motioning to Natalia and gesturing to Liz to return to her post, Horatio took Natalia to the elevator and pushed the button to go down to the bottom floor. Confused, she followed her boss as the doors opened. The two of them waited in silence as the ride went down for several moments until finally, Natalia burst out, "Horatio, might I ask why we're going downstairs?"

Horatio looked at Natalia, not saying anything, but she could have sworn she saw a twinkle in his eyes. The doors opened, and Horatio stepped out, walking outside and finding a pay phone on the corner. He dug into his jacket pocket and pulled out a quarter, inserting it into the machine and dialing the number for the reception office on the crime lab floor.

There was a sound of dialing and the loud ringing noise in the lab, followed by incessant chatter. Suddenly, there was a girly scream.

Fifty seconds later...

Liz's voice came over the line, shaking with laughter. _"That was the best joke ever, sir."_

Natalia clutched her stomach, holding the light pole next to her and watching Horatio's grin widen. "Sir..."

"I must say, Miss Boa Vista," Horatio told her lightly, hanging up the phone. "Replacing the receiver with a banana and having Rick answer the 'phone' was most certainly worth a quarter."

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**Hope you enjoyed this one... thanks for reading!**


	35. Love

**Inspired by **"teal deer" **by **zarla **on deviantART. Fluffiest thing ever. Even more OOCness on Stettie's part.**

**Thanks for reviewing** Hope06, theAlyCat, Jag Lady, CSIBabs, speedfanatic05, Nabbeena, daxy, PunkPrincess145, lily moonlight, FernClaw, Mac-a-lacka

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35. Love

_Even agents need a little bit._

Even Horatio knew Stetler was feeling awful when he walked into the lab. The redhead glanced at the older man and placed his sunglasses on the countertop as the brunette walked over to him. Stetler looked as if he hadn't slept in days. His eyes had dark circles under them; his face was getting more wrinkles. And he looked hopelessly helpless.

So it came to no surprise that he walked over to Horatio and mumbled, "I'm not in the mood to argue. I'm just going to tell you why I'm here."

Horatio said nothing. He was waiting for an explosion.

But none came. Stetler looked at Horatio.

"Love me."

It wasn't an order- it was a request. Stetler looked like hell, and Horatio even knew that much. He didn't think it would hurt to try and 'love' the Internal Affairs agent who had been constantly riding his butt for the past couple of years in order to take his job. Horatio took a deep breath and sighed slightly. "Say that again for me."

"Love me," the IAB agent repeated quietly.

Horatio nodded. "Okay."

Stetler swallowed before embracing the lieutenant, a faint and tired smile unfurling on his features. Horatio said nothing, lacing his arms around him as well and feeling a strange sort of peace overcoming his body. It was odd, for some reason.

How long had he been waiting for this moment?

* * *

**NO. NOT SLASHY. IT IS NOT SLASHY. IT IS FRIENDSHIP. –sticks out tongue- And this is the shortest chapter in here by far. SUE ME.**


	36. Water

**-plants huge sign on lawn that says "SHINY'S A WEIRDO"- Number one, REALLLY sorry for not updating this at ALL last month. I had some personal issues arising and had no humor up my sleeve at all. And number 2… … …**

**I got 400+ reviews?! –dies of happiness-**

**Thanks for reviewing** CSIBabs, FernClaw, Wolfsong98, EverythingIsConnected, speedfanatic05, Hope06, lily moonlight, Jag Lady, Mac-a-lacka, Nabbeena, Scorpii, Wolfca and Gunwolf2008, Bella7

* * *

36. Water

_Don't you love fall festivals?_

_Splash._

Natalia grinned, tossing the tennis ball in the air and catching it with one hand. "Do I get a prize? I want a piece of candy or something."

Calleigh snickered and gestured to the woman to give her the ball. Natalia tossed it to her. "You know, running the dunking tank was a really good suggestion for raising money for the lab," the blonde told her friend quietly as she fixed the seat and watched a wet male clamor out of the pool and onto the ladder. "I'm getting too much of a kick out of this."

Stetler snorted and nearly slipped on the steps up, shaking his head in disgust. "Why did I even agree to this?" he asked no one in particular. "There has to be a better way to keep my dignity but stay cool at the same time."

"What dignity did you have to begin with?" the blonde mumbled under her breath, shaking her head and watching the Internal Affairs sergeant clamor onto the seat. He chose this moment to cast her a glare while so saw another customer walking their way. "Step right up! One ticket equals one ball! Get a chance to dunk our favorite Internal Affairs agent!"

"I'll take a chance with it," a woman requested, holding out a ticket to Natalia.

Natalia turned around and saw Yelina standing there, a grin unfurling on her face. "You want to dunk him for issues past?"

The private investigator smirked and took the ball from Calleigh. "I have a bit of an issue with my son right now, and I'm not going to take it out on him. He wants to be with Horatio at the pie-eating booth. Why he wants to do that is beyond me, but I'm not going to complain." She grinned at the brunette in the tank and tossed the ball once in the air. "Are you hot up there, _sweetie?"_

Stetler's eyes widened. "You can't hit the target! No! Hey, she can't do this!"

Calleigh grinned. "Too late, Rick."

Indeed it was. Yelina threw the ball with all she could muster and landed a bulls-eye on the target. Stetler groaned and dropped into the water below, and the rest of the water in the pool completely went out of the tub. The Columbian giggled slightly and watched the other woman high-five each other. "You looked _hot_ before, Rick."

He smirked. "Do I look hot now?"

She wrinkled her nose. "Far from it."

The man scowled. Calleigh and Natalia just laughed hysterically as Yelina got her prize- and it wasn't a piece of candy.

* * *

**Where did my dignity go? By the way, Chapters 41-50 is going to be a set of ten drabbles based off my video game love and desire and have quite a lot of nice humor in which our IAB sergeant plays "I Wanna Be The Guy." o.O If you know what that is, you KNOW it means definitive trouble for everyone- especially young Raymond Caine, Jr. If not, look it up now on YouTube and Google. It involves a LOT of frustration and hilarity.**


	37. Santa

**I dunno what to say anymore other than beat me with something hard… Christmas Stetler one-shot. Enjoy.**

**Thanks for reviewing** xAlysandra, Jag Lady, speedfanatic05, PunkPrincess145, daxy, FernClaw, Hope06, CSIBabs, Mac-a-lacka, Scorpii

* * *

37. Santa

_Ho-ho-ho-ho- OH NO.  
_

"You up for a trip to the mall?" Ray asked Kyle, walking out of the crime lab and shivering as a gust of wind blew down on them. "Your dad said we should drop by the Miami Center to check out a gift for my mom. I think I have a good idea of where to go."

Kyle winced and twirled the keys on his finger. "Do we have to go to this ladies' lingerie place? Last time I went in there, all the girls looked at me weird and crap. Honestly, if you're not going in there, then you're not getting Yelina's gift. I am not paying for a bra or underwear or other various pieces of women's undergarments…"

Ray smiled mischievously. "Now hold on a minute. I didn't say that we were going to a Victoria's Secret. I said 'a trip to the mall.' Doesn't mean we're going to drop by that place." He held up a camera, his eyes twinkling. "Uncle H gave this to me a few days ago. He said my least favorite man on Earth is hanging around there sometimes. Maybe we can find him there today."

The other teen shrugged. "Okay…"

* * *

The Christmas spirit was in the air, as evidence by the various men and women dragging around their bags and crying children by the hand. Ray cringed as a particularly loud three-year-old in a stroller passed them, his hands gripping the camera. "You'd think the moms and dads would bring pacifiers or something to keep them calm."

Kyle nodded, wincing as a screaming baby passed him as well. "Agreed."

The two boys walked over to a map in the center of the mall and studied it for several long seconds. Ray fiddled around with the camera in his hand and glanced behind him, nudging his companion in the side and grinning. "Hey. Check out Santa this year."

His friend looked over to the man sitting in the chair and felt his jaw drop. Sitting on the chair and bouncing five-year-olds on his knee was a seemingly-jolly "Santa Stetler," smiling for the camera and completely oblivious to the two teenagers coming into the line and looking ready to empty their wallets for what was possibly going to be the new face of Christmas cards this holiday.

Ray laughed quietly. "He's going to kill Uncle Horatio for sending me here."

"He knows?"

"Stetler knows everything," Ray muttered, making a rather large waving gesture with his hands. "He acts like he's all knowing or something."

Seeing it was their turn in line, Ray and Kyle walked up to "Santa" and grinned cheekily, Kyle holding up what seemed to be a list, and Ray was just snickering at the look of horror on his face. "Hi, Santa."

His eye twitched. "You boys been good this year?"

"We've been really good, Santa," Kyle replied, winking in Ray's direction, who was failing to hold in a laugh. "I did have a list, but I'm pretty sure you already know what I want this year." He sat down next to the once-happy older man and grinned. "Can we have a picture with you?"

"Santa" kept a disgruntled smile on his face. "I'd love it."

The camerawoman fussed around with seating and the stand while Ray and Kyle sat on both sides of the male, who ground his teeth. "You boys are dead if you buy these pictures."

Kyle glanced up at him. "I'm sure he'll love the new crime scene in the mall and an enraged Santa wielding a candy cane with blood on it."

"Smile for the camera, boys!" the woman squeaked.

Two teenagers had their mouth curled into wide grins.

"Santa," however, didn't.

* * *

**Expect a sequel. Just... expect it. I can't leave it off here, and you know it. **


	38. Christmas

**. . .I don't know. I just don't know.**

**Thanks for those reviews** Hope06, FernClaw, Jag Lady, theAlyCat, NayNay72894, speedfanatic05, PunkPrincess145, daxy, Stellar Lady, CSIBabs, Mac-a-lacka, Wolfsong98, Scorpii

* * *

38. Christmas

"_He does NOT look like Santa."_

Horatio took out the card he had received from Yelina in the office and gave a small smile to himself as he walked out into the living room and cast the threesome a teasing glare. "You know, you two did a really brave thing those couple weeks back. I would have _never_ been able to do that to him. Would've made me, eh, _look_ bad."

Yelina sighed and looked down at the picture of the boys and Stetler from a couple of weeks back. "Honestly, I'm not sure what makes you think he looks like Santa. From all we know, he could look like a serial killer ready to murder someone." She shook her head and glanced at the two boys, who were engulfed in their new PlayStation 3 and Rock Band 2. "Well, we know they liked what they got this year."

"I still like the look on Rick's face," the lieutenant laughed in a very odd manner. "He does _not_ look happy at all."

She gave an amused smile. "You love seeing him in pain, right?"

He shrugged. "Not exactly. But I think this time, I do kind of enjoy it. I know I'm not supposed to like it, but I can't help it right now. It's too funny to look at him in that outfit. You and I both know he would never pass off as a good St. Nick for any kids and he just needed some extra cash."

Yelina moaned slightly. "Everyone needs the money these days with the recession. But did Rick really have to go out on a limb and pull a Santa for the children and actually be _happy_ for once to get that money?"

"Apparently," Horatio replied dryly, grimacing at the sound of Kyle screaming the words to 'Kids in America.' "Kind of sad, if you ask me. I would have paid money to sit on his lap, let me tell you that."

She blinked. "You're kidding."

"Nope." He took out the bar of chocolate Ray had went out and bought for him the night before- a three pound Hershey's Dark- and unwrapped it slightly, breaking off a piece for himself and the woman next to him. "Seeing that man forced to be happy for the little kids would have my perfect Christmas gift; enough said."

Yelina rolled her eyes in his direction. "You are impossible. Had Stetler had seen you, he might have turned you over to the security guards for harassment in a mall. You and I both know that wouldn't have accomplished anything but to make him look good, Horatio."

He shrugged. "True."

Silence.

"I still want to see him next year. Wonder if he got a belly just for this occasion." He took a bite out of the chocolate. "Funny thing is, I didn't even know until the boys gave me the pictures and they told me about it."

"Really? You think Rick was embarrassed?"

Horatio gave another dry laugh. "No doubt about it."

More silence.

"_YOU BOTCHED A NOTE! YOU BROKE THE COMBO!"_

"_NOT MY FAULT YOU CAN'T SING AND I CAN'T HEAR THE BEAT!"

* * *

_

**...just don't ask about this one. I don't know, I don't want to know... -_- Oh, and I'm nearing 10,000 hits for this fic. How'd that happen?**


	39. Celebration

**I should really be killed for even attempting to update this after three months of nothingness in this little collection of stupidity. Anyways, yes, I reached over 10,000 hits. –smiles- I never would have thought it was possible. Thanks for the reviews, the faves, the hits, and the two year anniversary that I completely ignored and forgot about. –hides in shame-**

**OCs: Saphira is mine, Renae is CSIBabs's, and Emmie is Jag Lady's.**

**Thanks for reviewing** daxy, Jag Lady, Mac-a-lacka, speedfanatic05, alysandra sunsets, CSIBabs, eternal flyers, Scorpii, PunkPrincess145, Hope06

* * *

39. Celebration

_Oh, my god- everybody scream for fourth wall breaking!_

"Are you kidding?"

She shook her head and grinned. "Nope. Looks like they got enough angry letters slash fanmail and checked the boards enough to realize he's got a steady fan base gunning for him!" Her eyes sparkled with wild delight. "We've got to wait for late March or early April, but who cares? At least we finally know he's coming back!"

Saphira flopped on the couch and fiddled with her pen, looking more relaxed and happy than she had all season. "I-I can't believe it. Rick Stetler showing himself after an ungodly year of romance." She cast a huge grin in Renae's direction. "Now you get to bother him some more!"

"Look, I thought you lived in New York," the arsonist detective pointed out. "What the hell are you doing here?"

The psychologist shrugged. "Got a transfer or something. Don't ask. Point is, I've gotten to know a little bit about him, and now he's returning to Miami for a bit! At least, I hope he is."

Emmie was on the computer, searching profusely on all websites for anything more about his reappearance when the door opened. All three ladies looked up, each one of their faces breaking out into their trademark grins. Stetler stood there for what seemed like two minutes, blinking and backing away slightly. "You're planning to do something devious. I know you are," he grumbled to himself.

The computer tech shrugged. "Now why would we ever want to do that to you? A couple of us were beginning to go back and actually watch some new eppies from the good days, you know."

"That's what worries me," he replied, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Which ones did you people see?"

Emmie laughed. "I'd say Shattered. At least we got to find out then why you were such a prick to everyone in the lab. And besides, you get to do a lot of playing with the idea that you hate Horatio because of a promotion." She furrowed her brow. "You'd think now you have a lot better things to do than try and get that promotion- like giving Liz more ideas to bust a computer."

Stetler looked disgusted. "I'm not a play thing here."

"I'd say Crime Wave!" Renae stated, getting a sort of glint in her eyes. "Y'know, for being the infamous Syphilis Stetler in Babs's tale, you make for one hell of a sergeant sleeping with the woman of your dreams. She wants to know if you really did abuse her or not. Then she has more ammo against you in a story for later."

He folded his arms across his chest and scowled. "You going to make this an interrogation? I'm not answering _anything-_ mainly because I don't even know. Producers don't tell us anything these days. No plot twists, no cameos, nothing. But that's because the plot twists aren't really twists these days- they're cliché."

Saphira stayed quiet and glanced down thoughtfully at her notes. Emmie gave a glance in her direction. "What about you, Saph? What's yours?"

She pointed to a single word on the page and smiled. Emmie looked down and blinked. "Wait- why that one?"

"Because it shows he sometimes actually gives a damn as to what is going on," she replied calmly. "And it shows he has a human side."

Stetler wandered over to the two ladies and looked at the clipboard. His jaw dropped. "_Nailed?!_" He stuttered for a couple of seconds before regaining his composure and blinking slightly. "You're nuts, you know."

Saphira shrugged. "That's what everyone calls me, but I don't care. I'm used to it by now, you know." She tossed it aside and cracked her fingers. "Now comes the big question- what shall we do next with him?"

"Computer crash because of porn?" Emmie suggested.

"Make him do the electric slide to the Electric Chocobo theme from Final Fantasy VII at a press conference?" Renae inquired, snickering and receiving a dirty look.

"Something with cookies?" Saphira asked bluntly.

"…"

No response. Stetler glanced back at the door and smirked. "Well, looks like it's up for the readers to decide what's next. Or of course, she could do another dedication. After all, it's been TWO WHOLE YEARS since this thing debuted."

Renae's jaw dropped. "That long?"

"Something like that."

Saphira scratched her head. "The drabble's almost done. We need to do something to him."

Emmie cocked her head. "But what?"

It was here when Renae chucked a pie at Stetler's face and watched cherry splat out and onto the floor. Saphira groaned. "Now I have to clean… thanks, Renae."

"Sorry. You ask, I give, honey."

* * *

**Well, you heard them, so cast your vote kiddies. I plan to do one based upon my now TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY (wow, that long? Scary) before that, but… seriously. Tell me. Whatddya want? I want these finished and get the big 1K somehow. ; Christ I'm vain…**


	40. Nail Polish

**Hey, look. A drabble. ALERT THE STETLER FANS.**

**Thanks for the reviews **CSIBabs, Jag Lady, FernClaw, PunkPrincess145, Little Horatio, speedfanatic05, Hope06, tbsavafob, refreshingbeverage

* * *

40. Nail Polish

"I'm bored," Kyle griped quietly to Ryan, looking behind to see if his father was anywhere in the vicinity. "I've checked all the bodies, taken everything to the lab to be tested, and wiped everything sterile _three times_ in the past hour. Are you sure there is nothing else I can do right now?"

The brunet shook his head, sighing and glancing around. "Sorry, but I really don't think there's anything else for you to be doing right now. Heck, _I'm_ bored, and that's saying something right now. We've got enough lab techs to throw a pool party and everything, so the crime scene unit isn't needed for anything." Ryan rubbed his face. "I just hope Stetler doesn't find us."

The two men looked at each other and sighed in unison as they aimlessly wandered the halls. Kyle looked down at the bottle of fingernail polish he was holding and slumped his shoulders. "Mom gave me this before she went to that hospital for the mentally impaired. I don't know what I could possibly use it for and everything, but- maybe she just gave it to me as a memento of the 'good times' we had."

Ryan peeked in a room and blinked, tilting his head. "Maybe we _can_ put it to good use."

"Huh?"

The crime scene investigator gestured inside the break room, where there was a sleeping Rick Stetler. Ryan quietly opened the door and slipped inside, Kyle following him with the utmost of quiet as one could pull off on the carpeted floors. The lieutenant's son blinked and looked at his companion, pointing to the snoring agent. "And to think this guy gives Dad a hard time at work," he muttered.

"He looks innocent right now, but seriously, he can be a pain," Ryan told him, scowling.

Kyle looked thoughtful at this. "A pain? I wonder…"

Ryan looked at him. "What are you thinking?"

* * *

"Nice nails, Rick," Horatio chuckled, coming inside the break room twenty minutes later and setting down those trademark sunglasses on the table. "Did we decide to go for the girly pink for a reason?"

Stetler scowled at him and looked down at his nails, eyes widening. "I- how- what-"

The lieutenant merely smiled. "Pity you don't have the sleeping abilities of a crime scene investigator. Honestly, I could have easily woken up and caught those responsible for using Hot Pink 72C polish and painting my nails while on the job." He took his cup of coffee and sat down at the table. "You're lucky they didn-"

Stetler glanced down at his feet and blanched suddenly. "Oh, god…"

Horatio looked down at the feet in flip flops and burst into a full bore laugh, nearly knocking over his coffee. "Well, I'll be damned."

Pink. Toenails.

"_OH GOD!"_

Meanwhile, Kyle and Ryan were snorting hysterically behind the wall, holding the empty bottle of Hot Pink 72C nail polish and sliding down the wall laughing.

"_WHO THE HELL PAINTED MY NAILS?!"_

Horatio gasped, trying to control his laughter. "Why are you wearing flip flops to work?"

"You know full and well that's not the point right now, Horatio!"

* * *

**I don't know… I've had a hard few days. So when I'm trying to angst, what do I pull out? HUMOR. Sorry if this wasn't that humor, guys…**


	41. Cookies

**Yeah, about this one- it sorta ran away from me. I think I like Jesse too much for my own good.**

**Thanks for reviewing** tbsavafob, daxy, HoratioCraver101, Jag Lady, FernClaw, PunkPrincess145, speedfanatic05, CSIBabs, Raven McBain, Hope06, thealycat., lily moonlight

* * *

41. Cookies

_Lesson for the kids- Easy Bake Ovens are a recipe for disaster._

"What the hell is that smell?" the newbie called from outside.

"_CARDOZA, DON'T COME IN HERE."_

Jesse Cardoza raised an eyebrow and folded his arms, looking inside the lounge of the Internal Affairs building and could have sworn he saw something related to smoke spewing forth from the microwave oven. He also could have sworn he saw a frantic Rick Stetler looking around for some sort of fan in an effort to make sure no one _saw_ the smoke. The new CSI opened the door and blinked, tilting his head. "…and what are you doing?"

Stetler tossed him a dirty look while in the midst of licking a spoon. "None of your business. What are you doing here?"

Jesse smirked, shaking his head. "I haven't even been here for a week, and you're treating me like you do Horatio. That's harsh." He shut the door and pursed his lips. "Easy-Bake Ovens are the epitome of a chef who can't cook, Lieutenant. You of all people should know that."

"You know this because…?"

"Because I cooked with one in my younger days as a CSI before I moved to the opposite beach," the man replied sardonically, finding himself a chair and watching the man amusedly. "So what's the name of today's disaster?"

Stetler looked at the box and growled softly. "Cookies. Burned to a crisp, blown up in the microwave, and-"

Jesse held up a hand. "Whoa. Hold on a second. Easy-Bake cookies? From scratch?"

The Internal Affairs agent gave him a look. "What?"

He smirked, standing up and taking a look at the failure in the microwave. "Hoooooo boy…" Just looking at the near explosion waiting to happen brought memories back to Cardoza. He could remember those days for sure- trying to make something in an Easy-Bake oven. It all failed. It took longer than expected- the food would cook for _hours,_ and still nothing… "How the heck did this explode?"

"Chemical reaction?" Stetler inquired sheepishly.

"Just _seeing_ this invokes the impression you suffer from a severe lack of being able to cook," Jesse told him, biting back a laugh as best as he could. "Any other bad occurrences involving household appliances?"

The agent grumbled softly. "One involving a blender…"

"…in which you sliced yourself into little ribbons or screwed up the shake? Been there, done that."

"Cardoza, stop being a jackass and cook for me!"

Jesse finally laughed. "No thanks. It's a whole lot more fun to hear about these failures of yours from Horatio and all. Especially that one thing involving straws…"

Stetler bristled. "Shut it."

"… or that condom photo Natalia showed me…"

"_Shut it!"_

Jesse snickered, edging for the door. "Or that boomerang one. I heard Horatio and the boys were really having fun with that one…"

"_CARDOZA!"_

Too late. Jesse was out the door in seconds and running down the hall laughing with a raging Stetler at his heels, flinging cookie dough in his direction. He completely forgot about the burning food in the Easy-Bake Oven.

* * *

**I don't even know what to say about this one. It's… random, has NOTHING to do with cookies, EVERYTHING to do with Jesse and Rick, and… makes me crave raw cookie dough. O_o Babs, I hope you're happy. FFFFF.**


	42. Taquitos

**I don't even know. Six months. I offer no excuse. And this is probably a bad one. Ugh. Stop doing food, Shine. Go get other ideas from Disney World.**

**Thanks for the reviews** CSIBabs, PunkPrincess145, Jag Lady, tbsavafob, thealycat., FernClaw, refreshingberverage, Wolfsong98, speedfanatic05

* * *

42. Taquitos

"Crap."

Eric scowled and looked at the refrigerator once again, shaking his head and heaving a soft sigh. Horatio poked his head in the break room and gave his companion a puzzled look, shutting the door behind him and watching the man pull out a bag. "Are you all right?"

The Cuban nodded a little, chuckling bitterly. "Almost completely out of lunch and everything. I have a feeling someone's been stealing food again, and one hundred bucks is on Rick, considering the fact he comes in here almost every day and looks in the fridge." He shut the door to the refrigerator now and leaned against it with the bag. "He's been taking my taquitos."

"Evidence?"

"Fingerprints, H. I'm not gonna swab and get one off the bag, though. That'd take time, and Valera's mad at me already for confirming that Ryan's been running off with my Pepsis." Eric smirked slightly at this and took out a plate, Horatio watching him silently. "I'd love to get back at him for all the food he's been taking from here anyways."

Horatio couldn't help but smile a little bit. He could help with this notion. An old friend of his had taught him a trick to get someone thrown out of the office, and all it required with the last of Eric's taquitos and a lighter. "Hmm… let me help with that notion."

* * *

Rick needed food, and people had told him anything in the refrigerator and freezer was pretty much fair game. He had taken this to heart, ignoring the sign that told people to ask about the food if it wasn't labeled and taking what wasn't labeled and making it his own. And as of late, he had a bad taquito addiction. Flour tortillas with meat hugging the insides- perfection. And especially for on the go- from work to paperwork to hiding from the CSIs in his office now.

But they were almost gone. And from he noticed lately, Eric Delko had been walking around with a couple and eating them before he worked on some evidence. And being the smart man he was, Rick deducted they were more than likely his.

So he usually stayed the hell away from him these couple of days.

"Hungry again, Rick?"

He froze and turned around very slowly. Horatio was giving the IAB agent a mild look and holding what looked to be a suspicious cigar of sorts and a lighter. Cigar or taquito- one of the two. "Something like that, yeah. I was gonna go to the vending machine or something to get some candy."

"Fair enough." Horatio held out the cigar, continuing to watch him like a hawk. "Take this instead."

"…what is it?"

The redhead smiled a little. "Edible cigar. Need a light?"

Rick smiled with relief, nodding. "Yeah," he replied gratefully, taking the "cigar" and holding it between his fingers.

Horatio quietly lit up the piece of unknowing food and watching Rick try to take a good breath of what he could from it. He turned around, walking away slowly. Rick chewed thoughtfully on the cigar, his eyes suddenly widening. Oh, no. He took it out of his mouth. "THIS IS A TAQUITO!"

Horatio only smirked as Rick made a futile attempt to put out the food in question with his lips and air. "NOOO! PRECIOUS!"

Eric gave his boss a look, folding his arms as he came back to the break room. "You owe me a bag."

"And a bag you will get," Horatio replied smoothly, Rick now screaming at the lieutenant most colorful language from his lips.

* * *

**And now to go work with Fastpasses and blocking people from the castle for fireworks. Yay.**


	43. Rage

**I think a lot of us are feeling some hate towards Miami right now. And I'm not talking about the cliffhanger bullcrap they pulled off again this year.**

**Personal views, vent-fic about the series... this isn't a light one, guys. Apologies in advance. Also has cameos and SELF-INSERT. SELF-INSERT. RAWR.  
**

**Thanks for the reviews **Hope06, CSIBabs, tbsavafob, thealycat., Jag Lady, mummacass, daxy, PunkPrincess145, lily moonlight, Terry Gibbs

* * *

43. Rage

"_YOU IDIOT."_

Rick shrunk under the piercing glares of one irate Zephyr as she took a step forward with notebook in hand, clutching the purple Sharpie and hissing wildly. "I- but- it was the authors! I don't have two ex-wives."

The two were stuck in a similar room from when she had her one-year anniversary of her fan fiction in the first place, except this was a less-than-cheerful occasion. This time, it was less about the food and shoes… and more about the rage that the girl held in place of thousands of other fans of the entire series. "Do you really expect _me,_ of all people, to believe that you went and stole _stolen_ cars and diamonds and blew up Nevins? _DO YOU?"_ The girl was close to throwing the notebook at him. "That's so _not_ you! Not your character!"

"I'm telling you, Zephyr, it wasn't me! It really wasn't!" Rick looked pleading now, shaking his head. "I- why in the world would you believe all that?"

She poked the end of the pen into his chest repeatedly, getting a little too close for his comfort. "Because it's now _canon,_ Rick. And I don't accept anything more than you being an abusive butthole to Miss Salas so Horatio can beat on you sometimes. Murder is a _wee_ too far for my liking."

Zephyr was almost red in the face from all this and growled softly, finally turning away and giving the man a moment to breathe easy.

"That's why I'm not gonna watch it anymore."

A moment of stunned silence followed this remark as Rick blinked and sat down on the authoress's chair. He stared up at her for a minute before finally stating weakly, "Say what?"

Zephyrus looked totally serious. "I'm going to say it again. I'm not going to watch the show anymore. _Ever._ If you're not in it, there's no point. There's not gonna be any gray areas and everything like that. Not between you and Horatio, I mean."

"There'll still be moments of gray, woman! I just won't be there to see them and be part of it!"

"_EXACTLY,_ you bozo! You're the gray area! Everyone else has this stupid frickin' moral conscience and you're sitting there doing your job and hating it!" Zephyr threw her pen at the wall and stared at it. Her voice grew quieter. "It's… it's not fair."

Rick stood up from the chair cautiously and swallowed a little. "No. It's not."

She folded her arms, shaking her head and looking down. "Everyone was hoping it wasn't you. Babs, Liz, me- and a whole bunch of other people you don't even know about. You're pretty much shot down any hope for the show being good again…"

"Aww, come on, Zephyr."

She turned to him, biting her lip. "Miami's gonna suck ass. A lot."

He didn't even bother to correct her dialogue. In a swoop, Rick grabbed her and hugged her tightly. She buried her face there into his chest, the man just holding her there and looking all too bitter.

Zephyr was right. Liz and Babs- they were right, even if he didn't know it.

Miami was going to suck from now on.

* * *

**...okay. To be honest, I feel a lot better. And hey- another drabble done. I think some of you all can relate to this. Thanks for reading this.**

**P.S. I will be finishing these. If it takes me ten long years, or another two, I _will_ be finishing this. Just because _he's_ gone doesn't mean I am too. Don't worry. You'll be back to your regularly scheduled humor in the next chapter.  
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	44. Car

**Two-part SSS. I don't have much to say besides sorry. I've been busy. BUT LOOK. MORE LAUGHS. NOW WITH RAY/KYLE FRIENDSHIP! =D**

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44. Car

_Pink is such a manly color._

"You know what he drives, right?"

Ray snorted, looking at Kyle and back out in the Walmart parking lot. "Who can forget what _he_ drives? Unless he's gotten a new car over the past year, I'm pretty sure that he still parks in the same spot. So even then, we should be able to find Stetler's car." He was holding a can of neon pink spray paint, a grin unfurling on his face. "Sure enough, there it is!"

The Lincoln was sitting in the same spot, same time, same day as usual. Kyle raised an eyebrow and took a long look at the car, circling it a few times. "So he drives this thing to work? God, I bet he gets a lot of laughs."

"You'd be surprised how loud Mom snickered every time it pulled into the driveway," Ray said matter-of-factly. "She didn't do it when Rick was in the house, but… y'know what I mean."

Kyle folded his arms, pursing his lips in an almost Horatio-like fashion. He glanced at the spray-paint can Ray was holding before pulling out a rather glorious shade of neon green. Ray's face broke out in a huge grin. The boys high-fived before glancing around and shaking up their respective spray-paint bottles. Within seconds, they were making Rick Stetler's car a wonderful new shade of neon. It wouldn't have taken so long if they weren't looking over their shoulders the entire time.

Ray looked up again, cracking his neck and wincing. "If he finds us, by the way, we're screwed."

"Dad could probably save our asses with this, though," Kyle quipped, spraying a large butterfly on his car roof. "He may think it's an improvement."

Ray chuckled. "You think you could ask Uncle H to get a picture of this too?"

"If Rick doesn't run us over, yes."

The boys looked at their handiwork before high fiving each other again and running off into the parking lot once more. Now all they had to do was wait.

…_Two hours later…_

"About time he showed up," Kyle muttered, folding his arms and standing against the wall. "You ready to see this?"

Ray looked up from behind a newspaper, sunglasses covering his eyes. "Mhmm. Hope he flips out."

Kyle chuckled. "I just hope he doesn't see _us."_

Sure enough, Rick walked over to where he thought his car was. Where he _thought_ his car was, being the key words. He dropped his grocery, staring at the vehicle and circling around it more times than either boys could count. His hands were running through his hair before he bellowed, _"WHO MURDERED MY CAR."_

Kyle slipped behind the piece of paper, laughing profusely. Ray peeked out, seeing Rick turning in their direction. He glowered at them, walking in their direction.

"Dude… I think he saw us!"

"What? How does that work?" Kyle looked up, seeing Rick now breaking out into a run.

"Who cares? RUN!"

The boys dropped the newspaper and ran down the sidewalk, Stetler tearing after them in a rage. "_YOU COULD HAVE USED YELLOW, DAMMIT. WHEN I CATCH YOU GUYS… YOU'RE IN DEEP TROUBLE!"_

Kyle was racing after Ray. "I'm supposed to be covering your ass! Wait for me!"

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**Oh boys… you and your shenanigans. I love them, don't you?**


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